Life is busy. I write far more than I publish here ... good things, funny moments, gratitude. Also the harder moments. Year two is hard, more so than I expected. For now, I want to write about something that's tugged at me for a while now, but sharing it was prompted the other day. So often people don't know what to say to us, how to act or be. For sure, it's an unknown for most. What should I do? Say? people wonder when they think about their friends or family members who've lost a child. Most awkward behavior is just that, and its to be expected. But their is other behavior that is not expected ...and is plain wrong ...no matter how you slice it.
At the most unlikely moments we find ourselves looking into our own reflection. God brings people together, a beautifully woven tapestry, lacing threads intricately and smoothly, and sometimes even unlacing. I always marvel at His ways, the gentleness and perfection of His design. The unlacing can be painful though, as people you've loved and trusted step aside, but all too often not before leaving a wound.
So I look at this new face, unlined, pretty. Just acquainted, her lips start to tremble, and I ask her when. March she says ...ten months ...and I remember the pain, exquisite and deep. For some reason ten months was harsh, unrelenting. A time when so many think ...okay, on her way, she should be moving beyond this by now, should be 'over' it. I tuck us around the corner and the tears spill. She tells me she shouldn't be losing herself like she is, everyone tells her so, tell her she should be past this part. "Oh really," I say "yes I heard that too, from the most unlikely people." She tells me I must think she's crazy ..."I am too, I have my critics believe me, the one's who tell me how I should have, could have grieved, assess how I behave, take shots at my faith" I assure her. "What is that all about?' she asks me.
And so our conversation has begun. An important one, and really one that anyone who knows or meets a mother or father that's lost a child should pay attention to. The pain, agony really, of burying your child is beyond words. And as if that isn't enough, part of this walk includes some relationships that are at best ignorant, but at worst, downright cruel and selfish. I've been blessed with wonderful, generous friends that have been there for me every step of the way. I don't think there's anything I could say or do that would cause them to turn away. I cling to them ...poor things, I'm sure they could use a breather. But there are also others that have been over the top bizarre in their expectations of me ...and in their accusations. And I am not alone. Virtually everyone I've met who is a member of this club has had similar outrageous experiences with people they've loved and trusted. Blame it on us ...the grievers, if you care to.
Now I trust God with everything I have and am. I wonder everyday why He let Phoebe die, and I talk to Him about that regularly, and I always will. I get the BIG wound, in some ways ...it's part of life, part of eternal life. But other questions I want to ask Him include why He doesn't prevent those we've trusted from inflicting such blatant and cruel pain. Why doesn't he stop them from telling us who and how we should be? These are unanswerable questions, I know. God doesn't design, create or allow cruelty ...that comes from somewhere else. It's taken me months to fight through some of the mean demands and put it in its proper place. And I have come through stronger ...God is good.
But what I want people to know, on behalf of all of my friends who live each day without their child, is that no one has the right to tell us how we should grieve or mourn. You never know what day, what moment will be our very worst. Often it is on one of our darkest, most despairing episodes that the 'welcome wagon of 'hey, I think you're a jerk'' shows up with a delivery. If you knew what this was like ...you would keep your wagon in the shed, bite your tongue and think quietly to yourself how terrible we are ..commiserate with another person who also thinks we're horrible and have at it. I did not know at 10AM on Oct. 9th that at 12:20 or so ...my life would irrevocably change ...no one does. So for the bomb tossers, for the one's who feel it is their duty to 're-direct' us, 'save our souls' even, advising us in proper behavior for grieving, I pray especially for you ...that you are spared this, that you never stand on the ground under which your precious child lies. But ...if ever that does happen to you ...our arms will be open wide, along with our hearts ...because you would then know a shattering beyond your imagination ...far beyond ANY pain or struggle you've had. This isn't a selfish, competitive or dismissive statement ...it is simply putting things in proper perspective.
I like to tell the story of a woman who for years worked as a grief counselor with parents whose child had died. She was the 'expert' in the field. (I've met a few of these professional experts, along with the lay, self taught experts). With twenty years experience behind her, knowing all the stories, seeing the lives broken, rebuilt, broken ...her son died unexpectedly. She now speaks at conferences sharing this story. She claims she believed she 'got it', knew all about it, lived through it with many, many parents. And yet, she says, she HAD NO IDEA. Until you walk these shoes, keep advice to yourself. Make all the judgements you want, consider us creeps, phonies. Believe you would be different, better ...perfect. Just keep it to yourself. I know how it made me feel ...but to see it in someone else, so tender and fragile and hurting ...to see her in the midst of the attacks, is so incredibly sad. And its just not right.
So for all of you who've stood by any of us and just let us 'be' ...thank you. And for anyone who's felt they were being generous by telling us to be different than we are, pointing out our inconsiderate behavior and our lack of true faith in God ....start over ...be kind ...be the person you were meant to be, and if you can't, well then, just leave us alone.
Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her. May she rest in peace. Amen.
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