Final choices

I said I would write about suicide, teen suicide.  In the days that followed, a child, in the next town, ended his own life.  He was 15.  I didn't know him or his family.  I know others who do, so I learned of his death early on.  I passed the church several times the day of his funeral since it was on my route to and fro.  When I called a friend I asked her if she'd heard.  "Which one?" she asked me, as she knew of another.  Clearly, I have a sensitivity to teen suicide.  It's how my own daughter died.  There are times when we see children struggling with depression or other issues, and sometimes, though rarely, someone isn't surprised that the child  attempted or completed suicide.  But usually, that's not the case.
More and more kids are 'opting' out.  They choose a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And more, they see things as problems that often are simply part of the process of growing up and claiming their own lives. They have no idea what they're doing, the permanence of their choice.  Generally, the act is so impulsive, they have no sense of their action until its too late.
There is a darkness, a sinister aspect to suicide ...as there should be.  It should be something that is so abhorrent, so despicably sinful, with the fear of eternal damnation ...so that it impresses over and over the wrongness of it.  It should never be romanticized, the victims should never be viewed as heroes, as courageous, right.   That's a concern we should have, us grownups, how our kids view this act.  It's an important discussion.
Teen suicide is different than adult suicide ...very different.  Brains aren't developed and the risk of impulsive behavior is at its height during these tumultuous years. And sadly, some kids are at higher risk than others ...though that's not often able to be determined.  They're not at greater risk because they aren't as good or as smart as other kids.  They're not at risk because they have bad parents.  They're simply at risk because their brains are particular, often times experiencing decreased oxygen, and decreased activity in the part of the brain that makes quick decisions at a time when they need it to be high functioning.  When a child, at risk, experiences an overwhelming surge of stress, hopefully we've taught them to navigate through, to understand it will pass.  But the brain doesn't always cooperate, and we find ourselves devastated by an impulse that led to a permanent loss ...an end.
Adult suicide, or suicide ideation can come from depression or anxiety that expresses itself in many forms, drug or alcohol abuse, risky behavior, etc...  There's lots of reasons, none of them good enough to rationalize suicide ...ever.
Searching for the reasons why a child would kill themselves you can find a thousand reasons, and you can find none.  Sometimes the reasons seem so outrageous to us, like not getting the car for the night, or getting a low grade, or a break up.  As adults we know the tides of life.  We know things change, difficult stress passes, and good things come again.  But the teenage brain doesn't process it the same way we do.  In fact, many young brains don't process at all, they just hit a wall.  And further, things like concussions (of which Phoebe had three major) and trauma, exacerbate the tender minds of some of our kids.
One of the biggest reasons suicide becomes an option for our kids is the world we live in.  Our cookie cutter culture has left no room for the complexities and beauty of the human personality.  God doesn't 'manufacture' us from an assembly line.  He creates and calls each of us by name ...our very own name.  There was once more room for people to be who they really are.  Sadly, society now has paths and boxes our kids are expected to follow,  leading to what has been defined as success.  And no matter what we say to the contrary, most parents fall into the same expectations.  Our children have become our resumes.
If you look at the kids who die by suicide, they are often very bright, independent, energetic and well loved.  I can't tell you the specifics of what made Phoebe choose to die ...because I don't know them.  The brain processes quickly and teenagers have a window as small as five minutes.  The further out we are, the less we know actually.  Even her closest friends remain stumped, and convinced she had no idea what she was doing.  And I agree.  I think most parents in my shoes see the same way ...there is no reason.
One of her friends shared recently how people expressed to her that there had to be signs, we just didn't see them.  And I'm sure there are plenty around us who say the same, but the truth is ...there weren't.  Parents like me aren't looking to be let off the hook.  We'll blame ourselves for the rest of our lives, and struggle to live with that every day.  No one needs to set us straight, give us a wake up call ...we're already pretty hard on ourselves, so I have no problem saying "yes, if it wasn't for me she wouldn't have died."  But to stay there, robs others of a chance to deter another suicide. I'm sorry to tell you, every parent is at risk.
We need new eyes, fresh eyes.  We need to look at the culture of lies our kids are being raised in, we need to look at ourselves and what we buy into, we need to see if what we say is what we live.  We need to change this culture so that our children may not only live, but that they might thrive.  That's our responsibility and obligation to our children and to God.  God entrusted these kids to us, they're His for the keeping, and how are we preparing them to be delivered back to Him.  Question if that is what we're truly preparing our kids for, or are we posing as if we are by taking all the right 'public' steps, but at our core we're edging and encouraging our kids to beat out the person next to them?
Mistakes, failure, loss ...coming to terms with the reality that none of us have every gift and every talent ...are all part of life, real life.  How many of us parents look at a term paper our kids have done poorly on and say ..."hey, so what can you learn here?"  How are we teaching or modeling for them the process of working things through?  I ask myself that question every day ...how did I model thinking things through?  How do I manage my own stress?  How do I reflect trusting in God for all things?  How do I reflect a holy confidence?  I'm not suggesting we don't encourage and expect our kids to use the gifts and talents God gave them to do their best.  I'm suggesting not all kids or people are the same.  I know young adults who didn't graduate at the top of their class, were never selected for athletic awards or recognition and yet they are among the finest human beings I have ever met.  They are courteous and kind.  They greet you and look you in the eye. They genuinely offer themselves without expecting any recognition. They are the same person in public as they are in private.   I want my kids to be like that.  I've met enough kids who top the lists and make the mark and would give me the time of day only if others were looking and they would get some type of credit or recognition.  In fact, I know plenty of adults like that too, and sadly some them are in charge of guiding our children in various venues.  That leads to a lot of confusion for plenty of our kids.
We are lacking integrity, honesty and God in our culture.  And every single one of us needs to ask ourselves what role we play in the demise of all three.  We can't be part-timers with any of them.  We can't pose when people are looking and say and do the 'right' things, meanwhile in secret tear down, calculate and manipulate those around us to make ourselves look good, pure, holy even.  Kids see this, they see the hypocrisy all around them.  And some, don't know enough that they can live away from that, without that. 
I've read plenty about teen suicide and I know enough to understand most people read about it so they can find reasons why it won't happen to their child ...why they are protected.  I know, I was one of those people who believed suicide was so remote, so unlikely ...because I had a pulse on my kids.  And guess what ...I did and I do.  But it didn't prevent it from happening to my Phoebe.  I'm sure you could find people who would tell you how checked out we were, how we didn't see the signs, how they would have known if they were the parents.  That's part of what we live with, knowing that the 'all knowing' would have been so much better at parenting our daughter.  Any parent who loses a child to suicide deals with this.  It's just part of the legacy of suicide.  People who think like that will never be part of the change, never be part of making this world a more livable, lovable place for our kids.
Teenage suicide is on the rise.  Listen to the words of songs ...and hear the sorrow and angst.  These are hard times for our children.  They're caught between having to listen to grown-ups who say everything and anything is okay ...no moral compass needed, and listening to expectations of perfect behavior lacking any human weakness.  We need to be honest with our kids.  We don't need to tell them what we did when we were young and stupid was really great and has no lasting effects ...which is a lie.  And we don't need to tell them we never did anything wrong and therefore never sinned or made mistakes ...another lie.  We need to tell them the costs of our own sin and the great mercy and grace of God ...and offer them a better way that isn't about us, about our resume, about SAT scores ...but about eternity.
Learn from me.  I don't have a perfect past.  I didn't love and serve God the way I was created to for a long time.  It wasn't until I was a parent that I woke up and realized how far I had strayed ...with plenty of bad choices behind me.  And I still struggle and fail, I am still imperfect.  How I wished I had been far more open about the 'details' of that with Phoebe so she would know that perfection is an ideal, so that she would know we can fail, and sin and disappoint and find redemption through God.  How I wish I had knelt less and hugged more, knowing that being embraced is how they know we love them.  And how I wished I  had listened more, really listened with my heart, and stayed quiet and humble, rather than making sure she said her night prayers. Again, I'm not dismissing or minimizing the importance of kneeling or night prayers ...but they lose authenticity when real, genuine, active love is missing.  If I stay praying my rosary when my husband walks through the door after a long night at work, and I don't pause to welcome him  home, greet him and tend to his homecoming, what good are the prayers I utter if I cannot care for  one of God's finest creations.  In doing so, I am more concerned about my own self than I am of others ...and God asks me to be selfless ...at all times.
We need to be real and genuine with our kids, not afraid of hearing the mistakes they've made, or the thoughts that challenge what we've taught them.  Many kids have shared with me since Phoebe died that no one really listens to them ...that adults just want to hear that everything is okay.  Many, many kids.  Learn from me, from my loss.  Let your children be the people God created them to be ...not the person you want to create them to be.  And be real and genuine ...don't hide your flaws, work on them, be honest.  When we hide them they grow and become our prominent qualities.  Teach our children to name their flaws, own them and work on them so they might one day overcome them.
I don't want another parent to go through this, to have to say goodbye to a beloved child.  No parent expects this.  And it is a very difficult burden that will be with me for the rest of my life.  If I can prevent one child from making such a terrible choice, and one parent from the agony of this loss, I would consider that an enormous grace.
There will never be enough words or the right words to put down here.  I will likely never be satisfied with what I write here.  And I will learn more and more as time goes by.  But I hope we can work to make this world a less hostile environment for our children.  I hope we can create a world and environment where each person takes their rightful place to know, love and serve God.  I  hope we can create a world with far less confusion and chaos.  I hope we can create a world where Phoebe wouldn't have died if she'd had the chance to live in it.



Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her.  May she rest in peace. Amen.

Sweet Departures

A sweet woman, a truly  humble soul is departing this world.  She's surrounded by a bounty of relatives ...daughters, her son, sons and daughters in law, grandchildren, great grandchildren.  She is well, well loved. 
She's been part of my life and my kids for over a decade.  She has lived her faith by example, not a word of judgement towards others, no attention drawn to herself and no complaint of the challenges her life has had ...she's been simple and loving and kind.  And she has left a treasure of others who live like her ...and we have been blessed to be part of this life.  Please pray for her and for her family ...and join her children in saying this simple prayer.


At the cross her station keeping,
stood the mournful mother weeping,
close to Jesus at the last,
Through her soul, of joy bereavèd,
bowed with anguish, deeply grievèd,
now at length the sword hath passed.

O, that blessed one, grief-laden,
blessed Mother, blessed Maiden,
Mother of the all-holy One;
O that silent, ceaseless mourning,
O those dim eyes, never turning
from that wondrous, suffering Son.

Who, on Christ's dear mother gazing,
in her trouble so amazing,
born of woman, would not weep?
Who, on Christ's dear Mother thinking,
such a cup of sorrow drinking,
would not share her sorrows deep?

For his people's sins, in anguish,
there she saw the victim languish,
bleed in torments, bleed and die.
Saw the Lord's anointed taken,
saw her Child in death forrsaken,
heard his last expiring cry.

In the passion of my Maker,
be my sinful soul partaker,
may I bear with her my part;
of his passion bear the token,
in a spirit bowed and broken
bear his death within my heart.

May his wounds both wound and heal me,
he enkindle, cleanse, and heal me,
be his cross my hope and stay.
May he, when the mountains quiver,
from that flame which burns for ever
shield me on the judgment day.

Jesus, may thy cross defend me,
and thy saving death befriend me,
cherished by thy deathless grace:
when to dust my dust returneth,
grant a soul that to thee yearneth
in thy paradise a place. 

Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her.  May she rest in peace. Amen.

Seventeen Months

Seventeen months ago today Phoebe died.  It seems like two hours ago, and yet life has gone on.  I still have people who check on me every time the ninth of the month rolls around.  That number will always hold me still, and I'm grateful for the 'spotters' who recognize the significance of that number.
I've been struggling to write my final entries here, to wrap up this body of work, this expose so to speak of my travels along the path of grieving for Phoebe.  I start and then delete ...find new words, then trash them.
I want to share my thoughts on two things, and I will when I find words that convey what I think they should, provide some sort of compass for those who stumble upon a similar path.
First, I want to write about suicide, specifically teenage suicide.  The end result of any suicide is the same ...death.  Any suicide is the self infliction of ending one's life ...no matter the age.  But the reality is, that suicide of a teenager, a child, is in fact different from that of an adult.  I hope to find the right words that won't put people on edge worrying about their own children, but instead expose the reality of the teenage brain that transcends parenting, expectations, opportunity, intelligence, faith.  Pray for me to be guided by those words.  It's a tricky topic under any circumstance, but one that needs to be discussed in a very real way.  If you're interested take a look at the link for "Losing Lambert" at http://www.wqed.org/ondemand/onq.php .  It explains a bit about why teen suicide happens ...even when there are no signs.
And the second is an overview of life from the beginning, and how we make it through.  We all have expectations, anticipations ...but this experience can't be pinned down. While everyone's walk is particular to them and their child ...even spouses, there are some common phases and changes shared by anyone who travels along this road.  I hope that in writing about it, maybe you can have more understanding of  those you encounter who are traveling along this path.
For today though, I will tell you it is still very, very hard.  For sure it is different, life has continued, good things happen, opportunities to grow as a mother are there for me.  I trust God still in every way, but I have grown more silent with Him.  I try more to just be with Him as the words have run dry. I am very tired, weak in lots and lots of ways, which is not typical for me.  Sometimes for a fleeting moment I believe Phoebe is still here and I turn to say her name, show her a page or dial her number.  I've asked my husband several times on a weekend night if he's heard from Phoebe yet.  When I catch myself and look at him, his eyes are sad and he just shakes his head and tells me she's okay.  Sometimes I think to ask her to give her siblings a ride here or there.  Sometimes I see her shoes or a sweatshirt lying in the middle of the floor and in exasperation go to yell her name, only to remember it was one of her sisters who wears them now.  I hear of other teenagers and I break for those parents, cringe at the sheer terror and pain they must endure.  And I know the hardship to come for them as they struggle to live and people reject them...which sadly some do.  We've been blessed in many, many ways.  We have people in our lives, that without them, we would not have made it ...we both know this, and we've told them so.  But no amount of words could measure the gratitude we have ...and they've expected nothing in return ...they have freely given.  In the beginning too, countless people gave their love to us and cared for us so generously ....it still boggles me to remember what I can of all that outpouring and kindness.  And still the prayers offered for Phoebe, for us ...that go unseen, I know keep us going, and keep us trusting ...and living.
Looking back, I see so many subtle ways God prepared me for this time.  He's cared for me all along and I trust He will continue to.  But life is a day to day struggle, great moments for sure dominate our life, but I know I will never really rest until my own day comes.  It's not natural for a parent to bury a child, it throws our world out of orbit, and the appropriate whirl around the sun will never be quite right.
My prayer life is different than it once was, whereas before I think I focused so much on praying the right way, now I just crumble with God and know how fully I am nothing without Him, that I can be nothing, do nothing that will last ...without Him ...without His abundant grace and mercy.  I think through losing Phoebe I've finally begun to understand His power ...and I believe the power of His giving is far greater than the power of His taking.  I'm trusting that ...one day, the joy of seeing Him and seeing Phoebe will be far more than I can imagine.  For now, I can just long for that.
I miss Phoebe terribly.  We celebrated our youngest's birthday this week.  Our second birthday season without Phoebe is underway ...hard to believe.  How can a personality so rich and robust ...just end?  How can she not be here?  It still catches me off guard ....
March 9th, seventeen months ...still missing.

Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her.  May she rest in peace. Amen.