Final days of summer. Summer was her season ...our family's season really. I guess as we march towards one full year of missing her, its only right those steps take place through the end of summer. Beach days taper and school supplies are stocked as transitioning starts. A year ago we were making college lists, captain's practice for soccer had me getting dropped off at work and picked up when Phoebe's practice was over. A year ago we were looking at today, wondering where she would go ...what she would set out to become. A year ago we laughed together long and hard. We had put together a list of potential schools to pursue. Not much was easy with Phoebe, the conversations could twist and turn ...she had lots of options. Finally, we sat on my bed and she reviewed the list. "Yeah, this looks good. Thanks mom," she had said. I pretended to wipe the sweat from my brow and she laughed. She quickly sat up, her eyes all fiery ...."wait, I can't apply to ANY of those schools." I groaned "why?" "Because none of them are on the water ...I have to be near the ocean ...I can't be away from it, it won't work." She was right ...she needed to be near the ocean, near the Atlantic ...her playground, her touchstone. "Well, pass this list in anyway ...just so you can show the work done in your college search." "No, that would be a lie, I need schools I'll really consider ...besides I might not even go to college next year." My mouth hung open, I shook my head, met her eyes ...her Cindy loo hoo eyes ....and we laughed, a good, deep, hearty, rich laugh. I wish I could laugh with her again. I think about that moment and smile ...she was my girl, and she was all so much her own. She could not be muscled into conformity ...would not be. To her that was a living death.
We went on to find schools, good fits for her, on the water and talked about plans, alternate plans, life. It would be six weeks of lots of conversations ...lots and lots. And during those weeks I had marveled at her, how she had grown and matured ...how she fit so well into her own skin ...how she was taking flight. We were in sync, my girl and me.
Some people have nothing to look back on, no hooks or memories of note. I have lots. She left me with lots and lots ... My husband keeps her text message she sent him last year on my birthday "hey, why don't you pick up an i pad on your way home." After I opened it she instructed everyone that it was only mine and no one should try to take it away or use it. She knew I wanted something I could start writing letters to my mother, gone seven years. I just wanted a way of collecting the thoughts I wanted to share with her. I pictured my mother reading them from where she was ...smiling about her grandkids, delighting in watching them grow. Phoebe like that idea and wanted to help make that happen for me. I had no idea that in six short weeks I would begin writing those letters ....only not to mom, but to Phoebe ...so very far away from me.
After I opened it, she whisked me away, shooing everyone ...to show me something really funny on you tube ...and it was really funny ...and we had laughed and laughed as she played it over and over again, and I waited patiently to put my hands on the i pad that was meant just for me.
We finished our family birthdays this week. Hannah finished it off by turning thirteen. A real live teenager! And I made it through mine. Harder than I thought. I worked and the day became crazier than expected ...a good distraction. The kids gave it their all ...and so did my husband. But she was missing. I woke up exactly at midnight, my hands clenched, tears streaming ... I've watched my kids cry in their sleep, watched them pound their fists on the mattress ....and I know why. But I had never known it to happen to me. It was as if she was letting me know ..."mom, the days ended, but I'm still here." I just wish I could feel her, sense her near me. I tell my husband this and then tell him how I can see her in my mind coming into the room, how she would sit, move her hands, hold her head ...with such greater clarity than I have for my kids right around me. How can I see her so clearly ...how she moved, blinked her eyes ...the wisps of hair loose from her floppy bun, and yet not see the fine details of my other kids when I picture them? Perhaps that is just how she is here with me, making her presence known, palpable ....real. It's not how I expected it, but ...so much of what God allows in my life is never expected or imagined.
A year ago is as far back as I can see ....and I can travel these days treasuring those final moments. I wish I could count the smiles, the laughter, the hugs ...the joy that had become ours. I can't count them, but I can count on them to get me through the heavy days leading to one year. Six weeks worth of memories ...six weeks of loving us and wrapping her arms around us ...six weeks of getting us all ready for her to take flight. Only her flight came sooner and far differently than any of us planned.
Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her. May she rest in peace. Amen.
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