I said I would write about suicide, teen suicide. In the days that followed, a child, in the next town, ended his own life. He was 15. I didn't know him or his family. I know others who do, so I learned of his death early on. I passed the church several times the day of his funeral since it was on my route to and fro. When I called a friend I asked her if she'd heard. "Which one?" she asked me, as she knew of another. Clearly, I have a sensitivity to teen suicide. It's how my own daughter died. There are times when we see children struggling with depression or other issues, and sometimes, though rarely, someone isn't surprised that the child attempted or completed suicide. But usually, that's not the case.
More and more kids are 'opting' out. They choose a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And more, they see things as problems that often are simply part of the process of growing up and claiming their own lives. They have no idea what they're doing, the permanence of their choice. Generally, the act is so impulsive, they have no sense of their action until its too late.
There is a darkness, a sinister aspect to suicide ...as there should be. It should be something that is so abhorrent, so despicably sinful, with the fear of eternal damnation ...so that it impresses over and over the wrongness of it. It should never be romanticized, the victims should never be viewed as heroes, as courageous, right. That's a concern we should have, us grownups, how our kids view this act. It's an important discussion.
Teen suicide is different than adult suicide ...very different. Brains aren't developed and the risk of impulsive behavior is at its height during these tumultuous years. And sadly, some kids are at higher risk than others ...though that's not often able to be determined. They're not at greater risk because they aren't as good or as smart as other kids. They're not at risk because they have bad parents. They're simply at risk because their brains are particular, often times experiencing decreased oxygen, and decreased activity in the part of the brain that makes quick decisions at a time when they need it to be high functioning. When a child, at risk, experiences an overwhelming surge of stress, hopefully we've taught them to navigate through, to understand it will pass. But the brain doesn't always cooperate, and we find ourselves devastated by an impulse that led to a permanent loss ...an end.
Adult suicide, or suicide ideation can come from depression or anxiety that expresses itself in many forms, drug or alcohol abuse, risky behavior, etc... There's lots of reasons, none of them good enough to rationalize suicide ...ever.
Searching for the reasons why a child would kill themselves you can find a thousand reasons, and you can find none. Sometimes the reasons seem so outrageous to us, like not getting the car for the night, or getting a low grade, or a break up. As adults we know the tides of life. We know things change, difficult stress passes, and good things come again. But the teenage brain doesn't process it the same way we do. In fact, many young brains don't process at all, they just hit a wall. And further, things like concussions (of which Phoebe had three major) and trauma, exacerbate the tender minds of some of our kids.
One of the biggest reasons suicide becomes an option for our kids is the world we live in. Our cookie cutter culture has left no room for the complexities and beauty of the human personality. God doesn't 'manufacture' us from an assembly line. He creates and calls each of us by name ...our very own name. There was once more room for people to be who they really are. Sadly, society now has paths and boxes our kids are expected to follow, leading to what has been defined as success. And no matter what we say to the contrary, most parents fall into the same expectations. Our children have become our resumes.
If you look at the kids who die by suicide, they are often very bright, independent, energetic and well loved. I can't tell you the specifics of what made Phoebe choose to die ...because I don't know them. The brain processes quickly and teenagers have a window as small as five minutes. The further out we are, the less we know actually. Even her closest friends remain stumped, and convinced she had no idea what she was doing. And I agree. I think most parents in my shoes see the same way ...there is no reason.
One of her friends shared recently how people expressed to her that there had to be signs, we just didn't see them. And I'm sure there are plenty around us who say the same, but the truth is ...there weren't. Parents like me aren't looking to be let off the hook. We'll blame ourselves for the rest of our lives, and struggle to live with that every day. No one needs to set us straight, give us a wake up call ...we're already pretty hard on ourselves, so I have no problem saying "yes, if it wasn't for me she wouldn't have died." But to stay there, robs others of a chance to deter another suicide. I'm sorry to tell you, every parent is at risk.
We need new eyes, fresh eyes. We need to look at the culture of lies our kids are being raised in, we need to look at ourselves and what we buy into, we need to see if what we say is what we live. We need to change this culture so that our children may not only live, but that they might thrive. That's our responsibility and obligation to our children and to God. God entrusted these kids to us, they're His for the keeping, and how are we preparing them to be delivered back to Him. Question if that is what we're truly preparing our kids for, or are we posing as if we are by taking all the right 'public' steps, but at our core we're edging and encouraging our kids to beat out the person next to them?
Mistakes, failure, loss ...coming to terms with the reality that none of us have every gift and every talent ...are all part of life, real life. How many of us parents look at a term paper our kids have done poorly on and say ..."hey, so what can you learn here?" How are we teaching or modeling for them the process of working things through? I ask myself that question every day ...how did I model thinking things through? How do I manage my own stress? How do I reflect trusting in God for all things? How do I reflect a holy confidence? I'm not suggesting we don't encourage and expect our kids to use the gifts and talents God gave them to do their best. I'm suggesting not all kids or people are the same. I know young adults who didn't graduate at the top of their class, were never selected for athletic awards or recognition and yet they are among the finest human beings I have ever met. They are courteous and kind. They greet you and look you in the eye. They genuinely offer themselves without expecting any recognition. They are the same person in public as they are in private. I want my kids to be like that. I've met enough kids who top the lists and make the mark and would give me the time of day only if others were looking and they would get some type of credit or recognition. In fact, I know plenty of adults like that too, and sadly some them are in charge of guiding our children in various venues. That leads to a lot of confusion for plenty of our kids.
We are lacking integrity, honesty and God in our culture. And every single one of us needs to ask ourselves what role we play in the demise of all three. We can't be part-timers with any of them. We can't pose when people are looking and say and do the 'right' things, meanwhile in secret tear down, calculate and manipulate those around us to make ourselves look good, pure, holy even. Kids see this, they see the hypocrisy all around them. And some, don't know enough that they can live away from that, without that.
I've read plenty about teen suicide and I know enough to understand most people read about it so they can find reasons why it won't happen to their child ...why they are protected. I know, I was one of those people who believed suicide was so remote, so unlikely ...because I had a pulse on my kids. And guess what ...I did and I do. But it didn't prevent it from happening to my Phoebe. I'm sure you could find people who would tell you how checked out we were, how we didn't see the signs, how they would have known if they were the parents. That's part of what we live with, knowing that the 'all knowing' would have been so much better at parenting our daughter. Any parent who loses a child to suicide deals with this. It's just part of the legacy of suicide. People who think like that will never be part of the change, never be part of making this world a more livable, lovable place for our kids.
Teenage suicide is on the rise. Listen to the words of songs ...and hear the sorrow and angst. These are hard times for our children. They're caught between having to listen to grown-ups who say everything and anything is okay ...no moral compass needed, and listening to expectations of perfect behavior lacking any human weakness. We need to be honest with our kids. We don't need to tell them what we did when we were young and stupid was really great and has no lasting effects ...which is a lie. And we don't need to tell them we never did anything wrong and therefore never sinned or made mistakes ...another lie. We need to tell them the costs of our own sin and the great mercy and grace of God ...and offer them a better way that isn't about us, about our resume, about SAT scores ...but about eternity.
Learn from me. I don't have a perfect past. I didn't love and serve God the way I was created to for a long time. It wasn't until I was a parent that I woke up and realized how far I had strayed ...with plenty of bad choices behind me. And I still struggle and fail, I am still imperfect. How I wished I had been far more open about the 'details' of that with Phoebe so she would know that perfection is an ideal, so that she would know we can fail, and sin and disappoint and find redemption through God. How I wish I had knelt less and hugged more, knowing that being embraced is how they know we love them. And how I wished I had listened more, really listened with my heart, and stayed quiet and humble, rather than making sure she said her night prayers. Again, I'm not dismissing or minimizing the importance of kneeling or night prayers ...but they lose authenticity when real, genuine, active love is missing. If I stay praying my rosary when my husband walks through the door after a long night at work, and I don't pause to welcome him home, greet him and tend to his homecoming, what good are the prayers I utter if I cannot care for one of God's finest creations. In doing so, I am more concerned about my own self than I am of others ...and God asks me to be selfless ...at all times.
We need to be real and genuine with our kids, not afraid of hearing the mistakes they've made, or the thoughts that challenge what we've taught them. Many kids have shared with me since Phoebe died that no one really listens to them ...that adults just want to hear that everything is okay. Many, many kids. Learn from me, from my loss. Let your children be the people God created them to be ...not the person you want to create them to be. And be real and genuine ...don't hide your flaws, work on them, be honest. When we hide them they grow and become our prominent qualities. Teach our children to name their flaws, own them and work on them so they might one day overcome them.
I don't want another parent to go through this, to have to say goodbye to a beloved child. No parent expects this. And it is a very difficult burden that will be with me for the rest of my life. If I can prevent one child from making such a terrible choice, and one parent from the agony of this loss, I would consider that an enormous grace.
There will never be enough words or the right words to put down here. I will likely never be satisfied with what I write here. And I will learn more and more as time goes by. But I hope we can work to make this world a less hostile environment for our children. I hope we can create a world and environment where each person takes their rightful place to know, love and serve God. I hope we can create a world with far less confusion and chaos. I hope we can create a world where Phoebe wouldn't have died if she'd had the chance to live in it.
Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her. May she rest in peace. Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment