Seventeen Months

Seventeen months ago today Phoebe died.  It seems like two hours ago, and yet life has gone on.  I still have people who check on me every time the ninth of the month rolls around.  That number will always hold me still, and I'm grateful for the 'spotters' who recognize the significance of that number.
I've been struggling to write my final entries here, to wrap up this body of work, this expose so to speak of my travels along the path of grieving for Phoebe.  I start and then delete ...find new words, then trash them.
I want to share my thoughts on two things, and I will when I find words that convey what I think they should, provide some sort of compass for those who stumble upon a similar path.
First, I want to write about suicide, specifically teenage suicide.  The end result of any suicide is the same ...death.  Any suicide is the self infliction of ending one's life ...no matter the age.  But the reality is, that suicide of a teenager, a child, is in fact different from that of an adult.  I hope to find the right words that won't put people on edge worrying about their own children, but instead expose the reality of the teenage brain that transcends parenting, expectations, opportunity, intelligence, faith.  Pray for me to be guided by those words.  It's a tricky topic under any circumstance, but one that needs to be discussed in a very real way.  If you're interested take a look at the link for "Losing Lambert" at http://www.wqed.org/ondemand/onq.php .  It explains a bit about why teen suicide happens ...even when there are no signs.
And the second is an overview of life from the beginning, and how we make it through.  We all have expectations, anticipations ...but this experience can't be pinned down. While everyone's walk is particular to them and their child ...even spouses, there are some common phases and changes shared by anyone who travels along this road.  I hope that in writing about it, maybe you can have more understanding of  those you encounter who are traveling along this path.
For today though, I will tell you it is still very, very hard.  For sure it is different, life has continued, good things happen, opportunities to grow as a mother are there for me.  I trust God still in every way, but I have grown more silent with Him.  I try more to just be with Him as the words have run dry. I am very tired, weak in lots and lots of ways, which is not typical for me.  Sometimes for a fleeting moment I believe Phoebe is still here and I turn to say her name, show her a page or dial her number.  I've asked my husband several times on a weekend night if he's heard from Phoebe yet.  When I catch myself and look at him, his eyes are sad and he just shakes his head and tells me she's okay.  Sometimes I think to ask her to give her siblings a ride here or there.  Sometimes I see her shoes or a sweatshirt lying in the middle of the floor and in exasperation go to yell her name, only to remember it was one of her sisters who wears them now.  I hear of other teenagers and I break for those parents, cringe at the sheer terror and pain they must endure.  And I know the hardship to come for them as they struggle to live and people reject them...which sadly some do.  We've been blessed in many, many ways.  We have people in our lives, that without them, we would not have made it ...we both know this, and we've told them so.  But no amount of words could measure the gratitude we have ...and they've expected nothing in return ...they have freely given.  In the beginning too, countless people gave their love to us and cared for us so generously ....it still boggles me to remember what I can of all that outpouring and kindness.  And still the prayers offered for Phoebe, for us ...that go unseen, I know keep us going, and keep us trusting ...and living.
Looking back, I see so many subtle ways God prepared me for this time.  He's cared for me all along and I trust He will continue to.  But life is a day to day struggle, great moments for sure dominate our life, but I know I will never really rest until my own day comes.  It's not natural for a parent to bury a child, it throws our world out of orbit, and the appropriate whirl around the sun will never be quite right.
My prayer life is different than it once was, whereas before I think I focused so much on praying the right way, now I just crumble with God and know how fully I am nothing without Him, that I can be nothing, do nothing that will last ...without Him ...without His abundant grace and mercy.  I think through losing Phoebe I've finally begun to understand His power ...and I believe the power of His giving is far greater than the power of His taking.  I'm trusting that ...one day, the joy of seeing Him and seeing Phoebe will be far more than I can imagine.  For now, I can just long for that.
I miss Phoebe terribly.  We celebrated our youngest's birthday this week.  Our second birthday season without Phoebe is underway ...hard to believe.  How can a personality so rich and robust ...just end?  How can she not be here?  It still catches me off guard ....
March 9th, seventeen months ...still missing.

Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her.  May she rest in peace. Amen.