Quiet

I'll be laying low for a little while, catching my breath maybe.  Absorbing a little more of the shock that overtook us so many months ago now.  It's like that, it seeps in a bit at a time. God knows how to care for us in that way, so that we don't completely crack ...fall apart, unable to live. 
We're in a new place now, I know.  Most people have relegated Phoebe's death to history, in the past.  And that is all normal, good even.  So I understand.  It's a small number now that knows the rawness we feel in this house, that it is still there, even though we are living well, laughing, singing, playing ...they still know the tears may come at any moment ...they still know the gravity of the loss of Phoebe.  I'm glad for those few, the ones who have hung in along side us, along side me.  But it is a new phase, one we were told would come.
I want to feel the wind on my face and coldness of the water.  I want to hear the laughter of my kids ...and my husband.  All these are good things.  And I do feel and hear and live good things even though that loss is hard felt.  For me, the time has stood still.  For me, Phoebe just died ...yesterday, and the sun rising each day still surprises me because why would it when such a one has stopped living.  Phoebe's death will always be recent, there will be no long time ago ...the experience of it will just change and adjust.  There is no moving on, there is only stepping forward.
And the only way I can do that is to trust completely in God ...and in His teachings and ways ...as He taught them ...not as they have been morphed and twisted so no one feels uncomfortable and sin no longer exists...but as they truly came from Him.  I read  and hear His words ...and they are Truth.  I hold fast to that, put blinders on to the distractions and distortions ...to the politically and socially correct and acceptable.  I listen to Him as best I can, failing every day, but trying again and again.  Only God will sustain me, us ...only Him.  And sometimes, He works through others to urge me onward ...to confirm my path.
I miss Phoebe ...every day.  I want her badly to be back in my life.  It's hard to trust God in all this missing, but I know I don't have to understand it all, I just have to trust.
I'll be still for a while ...and write with pen and paper ...and maybe catch a glimpse of my girl dancing on the beach,

 Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her.  May she rest in peace. Amen.