One year ago today, at this very time, I sat typing on this keyboard, staring at the screen, afraid to hit the next button. Phoebe knelt next to me, her hand on my back. I had started to cry. The previous Friday I had taken the NCLEX exam, the nursing boards and my results were in that morning. I was certain I had failed. The questions were nothing like I expected, nothing I had practiced and reviewed. Questions, incomplete with necessary information for dosages, also asked me to prioritize my presentation at a conference I would be speaking at on the topic of schizophrenia. That would never happen as an LPN, I wanted to scream at the computer. Just over eighty questions the computer shut off ....either a very good sign, or a very bad sign. I could identify only four questions I knew I got right ...that's it. It was the feast day of Our Lady of Mount Carmel and several times throughout the test I bowed my head and begged for her intercession. After all, she knew my devotion, but that doesn't mean a free pass on worldly things ...doesn't mean I get what I want ...only what I need. So I really believed I had failed.
"Just press it Mom ...you passed, don't worry about it." I told her I didn't think I did. "What's the worst thing, you'd have to take it over ...big deal." I told her I couldn't imagine preparing again because I wouldn't even know how ...the questions were so arbitrary. She had giggled at me. I pressed the button. Only one word blazed on the screen to me, "pass". I sobbed ...and my girl fully held me and smiled and laughed and told me how she was proud of me. My other kids came running hearing me crying. Their worried faces were softened as Phoebe said "she's okay guys, she's okay ...she's just relieved." And then they all hugged me, one big jumble of kids, having no understanding of why I would worry about not passing. I was there mother, I could do anything.
But, there was one thing I couldn't do. One thing that blazes "fail" to me. I didn't and couldn't save my daughter.
Right now I wish it was last year, at this very time ...with her smile in my face. And then every step from that point on could be different. Every step up to Oct. 9 would be different, better, safer. I wish for that.
Life happens, and we wish we could change the tiniest detail ...the tiniest we are sure would have made the difference. One tiny thing that might have saved her. It's a lifetime struggle, I guess, when unimaginable, horrible things happen.
Other people's lives get rocked too, moments shattered by the evil of others. We wonder why God allows such things to happen ...at least I know some of us do. Our lives will never be the same, will never be whole in the way it once was ...and that ripples to everyone we know and love. And the cruel part, is watching and knowing that others walk away, getting what they want, while they've destroyed a life ...and the lives around them.
I do believe in God's justice. We tend to think of God in our culture as a new age sensitive kind of guy. But Christ told us loud and clear there would be an accounting. Not in this world maybe, but in the next. Of course God is all loving and forgiving. He forgives us when we recognize our sin, making a commitment to strive to not sin again. Christ never said, "hey whatever you do it's okay with me ...if it feels good do it." But in many, many ways, especially in our Churches, Christ has been reduced to that ....making Him culturally palatable ...making the Ten Commandments and truly following Him irrelevant ...even ridiculous ....even hate-filled and biggoted.. May God have mercy on us. I cannot imagine having to face my own faults and failings. I think about those with criminal minds, walking around looking all pretty, unsuspected of the evil they've done ...and I trust in God's justice. I trust Him in all things.
Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her. May she rest in peace. Amen.
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