Feast of the Guardian Angels

I wish I thought of them more, begged their guidance and protection much more than I do.  Today is their feast day  .. the Guardian Angels.  Often times, when I'm having a conversation with my kids and we don't seem to see eye to eye, but I consider it an important point, I will talk to their Guardian Angel and mine too ...while I'm in the conversation.  There's plenty of times when we have to deal with difficult situations or people and if we implore the Guardian Angels, the impact can be far more positive.  I've passed this tip on to several people, not that it's a magic trick, or a wand, but that it far more closely aligns our hearts, minds and wills to Heaven, and what God may desire more than what we may desire.  Try it. 
I woke this morning thinking of them.  I was determined to recognize the Guardian Angels throughout today.  I had anticipated the approach of the feast of the Archangels, planning to spend time in prayer with them and celebrate that feast day with my children.  But I missed it ...completely, it went  out of my head and heart.  It wasn't until the next day that I realized it had passed.  At first I was sad, but then quickly came to realize that those feast days are wonderful, but really the Archangels are always at the ready for us.  St. Raphael revealed himself to both my husband and me quickly after Phoebe's death, so I know they are there, ever present.  Even knowing this, I wanted to make sure this feast day was recognized.
I woke early today and while I was getting ready to head out the door I prayed to God and told Him how grateful I was that He had given Phoebe to me for so many years.  I knew she was a generous gift, a gift that made Him more present in my life.  Phoebe never dismissed God, she wrestled with Him a lot, but she never ignored Him or grew casual.  Her questions chiseled out my faith, set me on a path that has allowed me to grab hold by the tiniest shred at times.  And so, I thanked Him for all that.  Then, I began talking to my Guardian Angel, thanking my angel for all the protection and caretaking given me over this past year.  I wondered what happens with Guardian Angels when someone dies.  Could I still speak to Phoebe's?  Ask for a hug delivery?  I've certainly begged that of the Blessed Mother and Christ himself, but could the angel who spent so much time with us still do that too?  Or was her angel off somewhere, beyond me, beyond hearing me? As this thought came to me, a gentle breeze blew through my room.  I love the wind.  Phoebe would chuckle when I would see the trees bending and I would open the door to go stand in it for a few moments.  "I love the wind," I would always say.  She'd stand in the doorway, watching  "I know," she'd say.
As this gentle breeze came through, so did a sense, a fullness that spoke so clearly to me.  Phoebe made it known to me that it was her.  It was only a fraction of a second ...and it was gone.  It left me so aware and certain ....like nothing ever before.  There are no words to describe this incredibly powerful, but brief moment ...experience.  It was not emotion ...it was a sense, a keen awareness of something so far beyond me, so not yet mine.  Such a thing can't be described, but it was beautiful to the extent that had it lasted any longer I don't think I would want to live anymore.  It was like being dipped in something so precious, so beyond me that I knew it wasn't mine, but I knew she was there.
I drove to work weeping, not from sadness or missing, but from fullness and a joy I've never known.  I didn't feel that joy anymore, just in that instant.  I couldn't recall what it was like, just that it was beyond this time and place ...and it was glorious and magnificent ...and it is where she is. 
It may sound peculiar, made up, but its not.  It was so brief, but so intense, and so certain ...so forever ...and so, so beyond my reach.  But it was real.
I've cried long and hard at not feeling her around me.  Others share their own experiences with  her, and while I'm happy about that for them, I've wondered why I, her mother, have been left out.  I've been so alone in losing her ...as any mother in my shoes is.  This morning it came, that brief, fleeting moment of awareness ...not an emotion, a sense ...and I am ever grateful.  It may never come again, but it left a promise.  I think my bridge was her Guardian Angel ...still waiting for my pleas.  Our Guardian Angels are part of this world and the next ...they are our bridge.  I'm so grateful for them.  Happy, happy feast day!

Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her.  May she rest in peace.  Amen.