One year

A letter from a friend of Phoebe's ...and ours, captures a bit of Phoebe.  Alyssa was the first person to succinctly capture what Phoebe had done.  She knows us, knows Phoebe and how we live, who we are.  "Ridiculously drastic" is what she said.  Alyssa was the last person Phoebe called.  She'd left a message, "Hey its Pheebs, call me back today or tomorrow."  No indication of what was to come ...because likely, it wasn't even there for Phoebe.  From there it would take on a course nobody saw.  There's a hole in our hearts today and sometimes the best way to deal with it is to envision what life would have been like had Phoebe lived.  Alyssa's daydream shares a piece of Phoebe in a very real way.  Alyssa is far away and can't be with us today ...so she sent this along, and I asked her permission to post.

 

Hi Mrs. Walsh,

I know you wanted memories and such for tom. and since I'm not home to give it to you this is what I have. It's not exactly a memory but rather a wishful memory. I didn't exactly write it out of sadness, but remembrance. It made me feel good to write out. I wish the best for you and Mr. Walsh. Also for all of the kids. Tell Mary Claire I said Hi! 

I think it supposed to rain tom. here in florida. I really hope it holds off.   I wanted to go kayaking because I know Phoebe and I both loved kayaking. My room mate said she would help be make a wreath out of mangrove leaves that we could decorate, and then send out in the water. I feel like Pheebs would have approved of the outdoorsy-ness of it. 

I really appreciate having your support and your love. It really helps. 

You have a great family and being around them makes me very happy. 

I will see you in about two weeks

love

Alyssa

 

Phoebe Day Dream

Sometimes I create these day dreams in my head. I imagine what may have happened if things progressed as normal. If last October passed like any other month. Maybe Phoebe would have gone to College of the Atlantic. Somewhere that I wanted to go but didn’t have the courage to try it. Phoebe would have. The unorthodox style of the campus would have intrigued her. Pines encasing the campus, it was more like a sleep-away camp in the woods. Deirdre and I most definitely would have made a trip up to visit her. She would greet us, standing in a layer of snow. I can picture her wearing her gray and black wool hat and maybe her purple striped sweater underneath a jacket. She would tell us all about the crazy nature freaks she has met there. A girl who has dreadlocks and weaves wood into her hair, or a guy that pretends he is a tree. They are strange but mean well. We would follow her into her dorm, a building that looks more like a light house than a dorm. Her room would be filled with the warm afternoon light, highlighting the walls and wooden floors. Deirdre and I would smile as we recognized items from her bedroom at home arranged in the room. She tells us she wishes she could paint the walls. Her room mate isn’t in the room. She tells us she doesn’t know yet how she feels about the girl. Maybe she would take us down to the dining area for dinner where we would eat a strictly organic meal. Maybe she would tell us she helped out in the schools garden that fall. I just picture us talking non-stop. Maybe we would go to the town’s small theatre to see a movie or visit the tiny shops only to find many are closed for the winter. We would possibly go snow shoeing with some kids she knows. Hot chocolate and tea would be drunken as she makes us laugh over things we did together that summer. I would smile, content as I watch my friend make ridiculous faces as she tells us story after story. Undoubtedly we would end up in her room together, and Phoebe would have a guitar or at least a banjo. I would sit on her bed next to Deirdre as she sang and strummed along. My eyes would close as the sound of her voice filled my ears. I would feel so safe and warm in that moment. All three of us would be at home, because once again we would be together.

Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her.  May she rest in peace. Amen.