Feast of All Saints and All Souls

These are great days in the Church, a wonderful time for us to unite with the Church Triumphant ...those in Heaven.  And it is a special time for us to remember the souls waiting for Heaven, the souls in Purgatory, awaiting the promise of eternity with their Creator.  I like to pray hard for them.  So many are forgotten and that's a sad thing.  I know how much I want Phoebe to be in Heaven and how hard I pray for that.  I know others do too ...with their whole hearts, genuinely begging for this girl of mine.  Other souls aren't so fortunate.  They're forgotten, or so many assume, or have been taught, that everyone goes straight to Heaven ...no accounting.  We hope they are united with God in Heaven, but pray as if they need every prayer they can get ...and more.
We are truly blessed over these days.  Three Masses were offered for Phoebe ...its the best we can do for her now.  It came about in an interesting way, after some increased sorrow and pain for both my husband and myself.  Late nights by the fire found us remembering Phoebe in newer ways.  The reality that our relationship with her has stopped here is a tough one.  While people, and us too, question and pursue new relationships, we have one that has left us. We can't improve our relationship with her, have conversations, build memories, share our lives with her ...those chances are gone for good.  We know this is just a small part of our total lives, but while we're still here ...it's an enormous loss.  Sometimes, in all of it, people, places and things can seemingly pour salt into a raw wound.  Seeing something that was hers at just the right time, or smelling something that reminds us of her, or perhaps hearing a word or phrase that suggests something so deeply personal and missed, can bring everything up front ...and it's difficult to navigate while we are stunned and hurting.  But then something like this happens ...Masses ...for her, and we are calmed, and our children smile, and begin to chatter about their sister once again, laughing as if she is among them ....because she is.  The saints I think are at work here, and I am grateful.
During these hours of power in the Church I have a few prayer requests.  We know that God is timeless and lives outside of the clock we live by, so I beg for prayers after the fact for the surgery, but also for the ongoing recovery of a little girl whose spine was fused today after many, many hours of surgery.  This little girl does not speak, or walk ...she's merely a vessel of joy, a bundle of God's creation.  She's impacted plenty of people, please pray for her, that all will be well.
We have a friend who also is a vessel of joy.  He is warm and bright.  He would stand at the top of our street and shout to Phoebe as she skateboarded barefoot ...hooting and hollering  "that's how its done Pheebs" he would yell, arms high in the air.  When the Bruins won the Stanley Cup, we all said he must be going crazy with excitement, and sure enough the next day, he stood at the end of our driveway looking up at our house yelling "that's how its done," arms high in the air.  The common cold is a danger to him, so when he mentioned a sore throat the other day, I decided to ask others to pray for him, as the fear raced through me.  Please pray for our friend ...that he continues to beat the odds.
A wee little one is growing, but the mother is nervous.  It's early on ...and she knows too much to settle down and trust, right now.  Her two other children are older, out of diapers for a while.  We had a funny text message exchange where she was trying to tell me she was pregnant and I wasn't understanding her at all.  When I finally got it, I cried ...it made my day to know this little one was on the way.  I sent a message back and she said it made her cry too.  She's had her share of challenges and sorrow and struggle ....maybe more than most, and it would be wonderful for her to just enjoy the months ahead, embracing the gift she and her husband are so open too.  Please pray for this little baby, that in the next few days the heart beats strong for momma.
And finally, pray for the parents and sister of a nineteen year old girl whose life ended this weekend.  I can't put this into words.  I don't know them, a friend asked me if I did ...I don't, but I know part of their walk right now.  Pray for their consolation.
Its been over a year now, but as so many know, the wound is wide open ...a newness to our lives we never expected or wanted.  In the moment I laid eyes on Phoebe and held her lifeless I made a choice to trust God, and I have.  It doesn't mean I understand, or accept, or find peace.  Sometimes I do.  What it means is that God has remained first in my life.  God's place in our lives is deeply personal and intimate, and really there is no way for anyone to measure another's intimacy with God ...regardless of outward appearances or perceptions.  I share some of mine here, but no one will ever be able to perceive it in its entirety, its nakedness ...just as I never could another's. I believe I experienced a profound grace when I made that choice and my vision in that moment was of my daughter falling into the arms of the Blessed Mother.  Because of that, I've found a great comfort.  Though I've continued my prayer and devotion over this past year, I rarely look at the Blessed Mother eye to eye.  Only now am I beginning to do that ...look her in the eye once again.  And as usual, God's perfect timing coincides with distractions that could throw me into despair, and I get to choose what He offers ...and this prayer came in one of those moments ...and it is beautiful.  Perhaps you will find it the same.

St. Louis Marie de Montfort's Prayer to Mary

Hail Mary, beloved Daughter of the Eternal Father! Hail Mary, admirable Mother of the Son! Hail Mary, faithful Spouse of the Holy Ghost! Hail Mary, my dear Mother, my loving mistress, my powerful sovereign! Hail my joy, my glory, my heart and my soul! Thou art all mine by mercy, and I am all thine by justice. But I am not yet sufficiently thine. I now give myself wholly to thee without keeping anything back for myself or others. If thou still seest in me anything which does not belong to thee, I beseech thee to take it and to make thyself the absolute mistress of all that is mine. Destroy in me all that may be displeasing to God, root it up and bring it to nought; place and cultivate in me everything that is pleasing to thee.

May the light of thy faith dispel the darkness of my mind; may thy profound humility take the place of my pride; may thy sublime contemplation check the distractions of my wandering imagination; may thy continuous sight of God fill my memory with His presence; may the burning love of thy heart inflame the lukewarmness of mine; may thy virtues take the place of my sins; may thy merits be my only adornment in the sight of God and make up for all that is wanting in me. Finally, dearly beloved Mother, grant, if it be possible, that I may have no other spirit but thine to know Jesus and His divine will; that I may have no other soul but thine to praise and glorify the Lord; that I may have no other heart but thine to love God with a love as pure and ardent as thine. I do not ask thee for visions, revelations, sensible devotion or spiritual pleasures. It is thy privilege to see God clearly; it is thy privilege to enjoy heavenly bliss; it is thy privilege to triumph gloriously in Heaven at the right hand of thy Son and to hold absolute sway over angels, men and demons; it is thy privilege to dispose of all the gifts of God, just as thou willest.

Such is, O heavenly Mary, the "best part" which the Lord has given thee and which shall never be taken away from thee - and this thought fills my heart with joy. As for my part here below, I wish for no other than that which was thine: to believe sincerely without spiritual pleasures; to suffer joyfully without human consolation; to die continually to myself without respite; and to work zealously and unselfishly for thee until death as the humblest of thy servants. The only grace I beg thee to obtain for me is that every day and every moment of my life I may say: Amen - so be it, to all that thou didst do while on earth; Amen - so be it, to all that thou art now doing in Heaven; Amen - so be it, to all that thou art doing in my soul, so that thou alone mayest fully glorify Jesus in me for time and eternity. Amen.

Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her.  May she rest in peace. Amen.