I've lived six months without this girl. How have I survived? Truly, how have I? Pure grace ..that's the only answer. So many thoughts race through my head, steam through my veins, pounding and pounding. How does life get ripped so instantly from us? What is the purpose ...the plan?
Six months is a turning point. Means I'm not new at this anymore, should have moved on a bit by now. That's what the world says anyway. In the world of parents missing a child ...your considered newly grieving for two years. A bit more forgiving, realistic, I'd say. And in the world of parents losing a child by suicide ...even longer.
I'm not looking for a pass. The only thing I'm looking for really, is Phoebe. Just trying to make my way home to her. I don't mean that in the sense that I don't see the now as worth living. I do, I just see it worth living in a way that will bring me closer to her ...in the here and now ...and in the hereafter. I want my life to be real, ordered towards God. The closer I grow to Him, the more I let Him into my life ...the closer I will be to Phoebe. Some days its not so easy ...I lose my patience, my way. Some days none of it makes any sense. It seems radically wrong, in fact. But my thoughts, my feelings are never constant ...only God is. God never changes. I trust in that and I ask Him to draw me close in whatever way He sees fit.
when you lose a child, it feels like there is nothing that could be worse ...the fear leaves, except the fear of losing another ...or of losing my ways so much, losing sight of God ...that I will never see Phoebe again. Some people say that could never happen, God would never do that. I know God would never do that ...that is never His choice. But by my own free will, I could choose that, turn away, choose the dark over the light ...I pray that never happens to me.
Six months ...who would have thought I could have survived ...and by His grace, I have.
Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her. May she rest in peace. Amen.
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