Graduation

We looked ahead to this day ...her graduation ...her finish.  Phoebe hated high school.  She liked her friends, teachers, her school ...most days anyway.  But what bothered and frustrated her were the walls, the repetition, the formula she knew was repeated every year like a script with little new added each year.  She was bright, inquisitive, creative, curious, opinionated, perceptive.  Phoebe was a thinker ...a real, true thinker.  We had laughed in our living room over the necessity of high school.  She told me her party had to be really, really big.  "You're so, so close, it'll be over before you know it."  It was to be my day too.  After all, it was this girl I had home schooled, chased after, accommodated ...loved.  But today is different than I thought it would be.
Good things took its place.  Mary Claire had  her first ballet recital and in true Mary Claire form, after her group curtsied with her in the middle, she jumped high and with both hands blew wide kisses ...and then again.  Of course drawing chuckles from the audience.
Our friend's baby was baptized ....and we got to see little Grace welcomed into the Church.  These are good things.  Things that Phoebe could have been part of.  She would have laughed at Mary Claire and teased her about her stage presence.  Mary Claire had told me on the way that she was concerned she would be shy.  It was the way she said it that led me to believe no such fear existed for her ...that this was a day under the lights and she was going to get as much out of it as possible.  "Just admit it Mary Claire, you want to be a superstar, huh?" I can hear Phoebe saying to her. 
I don't have much else to say ...thoughts race through my head.  It is a day I find hard to understand God's ways. I do trust Him ...but tell me, how does someone like Phoebe die as she did.  How?
Phoebe ....of ALL people ...not her.  I wonder, does she see me cry, sob, scream for her?  Does she see Owen weep because she will not be there for him at his party for his First Communion?  We will celebrate that tomorrow, the day marked off so many months back for her graduation party.   Together we remember her and he tells me he knows she is right here with him, but he just wants to see her.  Me too.  We're just plain sad, that simple.  Phoebe didn't doddle ...she whipped through life, energy all around her.  Where are you sweet one?  Why did you leave us?  Didn't you know how sad we would be? 
I can't grasp at what I know, what I at times understand and take comfort in.  I can't find God tonight ...His whispers are absent.  Tonight, I just want to hold her, look at her diploma, smile.  Not to be. 
Tomorrow is another day ...another twist and turn in this roller coaster of grief.  For sure tomorrow will be different ....it always is.  Except she still won't be here.  Phoebe will still be gone ...and that will never change.

Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her.  May she rest in peace.  Amen.