In my months of grieving, I've experienced and heard from others who've lost a child, some things people say that, really, ...are better left unsaid. I'll share some here not as a complaint, but as a gentle reminder to all of us ...to tread lightly. If you have not personally lost a child, don't presume you know what it would be like and how you would feel ...you have no idea ...a good reason to give lots of thanks to God for having spared you this particular burden.
Things to NOT say or do: (this is not exhaustive!)
1. Imagine what you've been spared. (how about what we've lost?)
2. Thank God you have other children. (they don't replace the one that's died!)
3. I know exactly how you feel! (really?)
4. I could see problems. (then why didn't you share them, oh wise one?)
5. If you teach your kids the tools to make good decisions, then when things get tough
or questionable, they'll know what to do and be fine. (hmmm, guess there's quite a few of us
who dropped the ball on that one!)
6. You must be over it by now. (why, are you growing bored with my grief?)
7. God gave you this burden because you are special.
8. Well, now you don't have to worry about them.
9. Don't talk about it so much then it won't hurt as bad.
10. My child would never do such a thing.
11. You should have gotten a second opinion.
12. There must be some serious dysfunction in your home for that to happen.
13. Don't extend an invitation and then not follow through ...that really, really stinks ...and hurts
14. Don't lower your head, or cross the street when you see us heading your way. We notice!
Parent's who've lost a child spend the rest of their lives wrestling with guilt, no matter how or why their child (ren) died. We hold ourselves accountable. No one needs to add to that for us ...we've already got plenty. Hurtful or thoughtless statements only add to it.
Things you can say or do.
1. I'm thinking about you.
2. I can't pretend to know your pain, your loss.
3. Call just to say hello.
4. Share a wonderful story about our child
5. Say our child's name ...often
6. Just listen
7. Be patient ...our days will vary
8. Smile at us
9. Invite us for a cup of coffee
Eternal rest unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her. May she rest in peace. Amen
Thank you for your advice, Carolyn. When we lost my sweet cousin Jill a few years ago we learned that there are times when no words are really necessary. Simple presence is sometimes all that is needed or wanted. My aunt and uncle so love to hear stories about Jill, even those that end up bringing us all to tears, often through laughter.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you today.
Often, no words are necessary. Being around us is so so good.
ReplyDeleteWe've learned to say when people do ask ...to just say simply "thanks for asking."
Truly, a smile goes a long long way.
I'm sorry for the loss of your cousin ...
Thanks so much for your comments