There are so many things to write about ...and I will, over time. There are so many great efforts or heroic moments that challenge me these days. The smallest things perplex me, make me stop in confusion. The other day I was making sandwiches for school lunches and put mayonnaise on a roll meant for my daughter who is completely and thoroughly opposed to this condiment. I had a bag, a big bag, of rolls and yet I had no idea how to solve this "problem." What would I do, how could I mend this error? Should I force mayonnaise on her, maybe sneak it past her? Could I scrape enough of it off the roll so she would not taste even a trace? I pondered and worried about this ...this complicated roll dilemma. Until, finally, it occurred to me I had other sandwiches to make, requesting mayo, and rolls aplenty. I continued on, no longer in turmoil about the accidental mayonnaise.
This is the kind of fog and confusion that settles in around me these days. The chaos of emotion continues, but the blur and fog disorient me. Finding my way through the most basic tasks can confound me. Is this grief? Part of it anyway.
One thing that pulls me back are the beautiful photographs we are blessed with. On Sept. 20, Phoebe and I walked down to World's End for her senior photo shoot. Back in August I had briefly met Kat Hanafin at an event. Her card literally fell on my floor one day and I was prompted to call her. She told me senior portraits wasn't her particular forte, but I knew she tried to capture personality and character of whatever she photographed. Knowing Phoebe, I knew a standard senior portrait would not capture the essence of who she is ...so, we spent a late afternoon laughing, getting to know each other.
There was an excitable tension that afternoon. Kat really did get to know Phoebe and us. She shared her own story of being a senior with the expansive future ahead ...choices she made, thoughts she had very much mirrored Phoebe' own. It was a magical time. Just Phoebe and me, my oldest daughter, my go to girl, my soon to be forging her own life girl, side by side, really just enjoying each others company.
We knew we would have to wait a while for the proofs, so Phoebe never saw them. I wish she had ...maybe seeing her reflection would have pulled her back from any dark spiral she entered. So many maybes and what ifs. I sent Kat an email the day Phoebe died. Her response was immediate and she has provided us with so many beautiful pictures of our girl that I think thousands of people have enjoyed. I get to look at Phoebe ...and she is looking back. She is beaming, she is timeless, she is alive through these photographs. I haven't spoken yet to Kat ...I can't. She looked into our daughters soul and captured the depth of who she is. I don't believe she saw any looming clouds of darkness ...like the rest of us. What she saw and captured was the raw beauty of Phoebe. Phoebe has always been particularly unique, wise beyond her years in so many ways and radically naive and innocent in others.
I will talk to Kat, soon I hope. I am so grateful for what she has given us, what she captured. For me, I gaze at Phoebe throughout the day, tell her I love her ..."I miss you Phoebe, why, oh why, did you leave us. Do you see our ache, our struggle to hold on?" Mostly, I linger in the morning and greet her, tell she has to help me out, help me be the mother I need to be right now to her sisters and brothers. And at night, a goodnight kiss.
Thank you Kat for the tremendous gift you've given us.
i'm just finding this post now. wow.
ReplyDeleteif i could only express how much the loss of Phoebe has impacted me. but i can't. it's an intangible sadness, and i'm positive, i will always feel it.
the outpouring of individuals that have contacted me and thanked me for the images is astounding. to them, i say, whatever i did that helped in their grieving, makes me thankful i could have helped at all.
Carolyn, it was definitely fate that brought us together, and as sad as i am (and will continue to be) i am so thankful to have been the one that captured her, and to give you the gift that is these images of sweet Phoebe.