How do you live day to day in nonsense? I'm told that when something like this happens, tapes get played over and over in our heads. Some slight change that day might have altered the course of history. But, that is lost. "Don't do that to yourself!" they tell me. Don't do what? ...ask for a second chance; wonder if I had just done one slight thing differently ...forced her to eat breakfast, told her I was excited for our trip to visit her ideal college the next day. "Get ready, pack your bags ...we're gonna leave early Pheeb!" Could those words have made a difference. Could I have rushed to her as she walked up our driveway, hugged her and told her she was beautiful. What if I reminded her that nothing would cost her our love? What if ...what if...what if?
I know life happened as designed and allowed by God ...I even accept it. But I don't want it. I want it to be different. I want us to be whole. I want nine of us sleeping under our roof.
This makes no sense to me. I cannot connect the dots. A + B = C. Not in this case where A + B = Z.
I keep saying the Memorare:
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to your protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession, was left forsaken. Inspired with this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother, to thee I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy clemency hear and answer me. Amen
It helps. Yet, I feel like the child with their mother who says "I'll be right there ...just a moment." And the mother gets distracted and forgets to come. Maybe she has and if she hadn't I wouldn't even be able to speak or stand ...take care of my other kids. But what I want is the warmth and assurance of her arms, her mantle around me. I want to KNOW she is here with me. I want to FEEL her presence. I want to FEEL Phoebe's presence. Perhaps that too much to ask ...but hasn't He asked for enough?
I know the answer to that. He asks for everything ...and I give it to Him, not because I want to, but because it is the only right thing to do. And in the fleeting moments when I know through and through that He holds all of what He has given me in His possession, I find peace. I feel all of it wrapped in eternity, and I feel all of us together. It lasts only seconds ... from time to time. But for now, it must be enough.
I would encourage you to express these worries and concerns as many times as you have to. The Blessed Mother hears you. She will impart wisdom and the right words to those you express these things to. Others will just want your pain to go away and they may not say the right things. We are imperfect vessels but I know thast you know the love so just feel it in those times when people tell you in the simplest way they can and look for other opportunities to hear what you need to hear. This is a learning curve for everyone.
ReplyDeleteYou were born to be a mother. Some women have to learn how to be mothers and to others, these gifts come naturally. You have the heart of a mother. Those of us who do, we want to fix the wings of the everyone around us that are broken and we are hard on ourselves when we can not.
We too are imperfect. We set the bar high. We want the people around us to soar. Sometimes we don't express those dissapointments perfectly -- just like those around you now who are strugggling to say the right things, we just want the broken to be fixed. Ultimately, each of us has to be responsible for fixing ourselves. Sometimes it takes a long time. Others, a lifetime.
Despair is not something we can fix for others.
You will remember this with time.
You are one of the best mothers I know. The Virgin knows your pain. Feel her sorrow and love.
One more thing to keep in mind as you are processing.
ReplyDeleteIt is true that Christ asks us to submit to Him everything but what happened to Pheobe was not part of His Divine plan. Remember that even when Christ was physically present on earth with his most cherished friends and future Apostles, and He knew His own very life was about to be handed over, He did not manipulate events or free will. He told the Apostles He was praying for them, that Satan was standing by waiting to sift us all.
Christ's Divine Plan is that we all have free will. All kinds of things are happening all around us. Some of those things are our own mortal weaknesses. Some of the things around us are coming from Satan who is standing right by us waiting to sift us like wheat.
Christ is right there praying for all of us. But even when He was physically present, we all have to pony up our free will.
When things slip through our mortal abilities to manage them and there is loss, all Christ asks of us in this Divine plan is that we pick up that cross, keep our feet steady on the path.
He did not lay this burden on you or on Phoebe.
In the agony of Gethsemene, we sit so close we taste the saline of His tears. To our left and right, the Archangels are holding the lance, the sponge and the nails of the cross. We fly into the arms of His Mother. We say AMEN. We Believe.