Dawn broke through again ...another day granted. Another day to be lived as fully as we can. We are all trying, and as I read more about surviving suicide, I learn, it is in that struggle of trying that we will survive. So the fight is on! For those who know me personally, you know I am a fighter, a survivor. But I DO NOT want to fight this fight. But, I will ...so encourage me, pray without ceasing for me. I must be that example to my kids. We MUST go on. So how? Order. All things must be ordered to God. Their is a big picture here ...there is eternity. Our lives here are but a blink when held up to eternity.
One thing my husband has said to the kids when something has bothered them, someone is mean, or something is particularly hard, (with an Irish brogue) "oh, its just a faht in the wind." It always evokes giggles, but more ...it puts things in perspective. Certainly, our loss pales all those silly, mundane bits of day to day that so often bog us down. But if we can be simple, we can know that this truly is but a blink. And we will share in Phoebe's presence again.
Yesterday was a horrible day as the sun fell in the sky. Open nerve endings, despair descended ...and my mantra ...the Memorare began full storm, followed by pleas to St. Michael. Worry plagued me, for my kids, my daughter, so scarred by what she witnessed. Pleading Him to spare her, erase the memory, fill her mind with the laughing sister that would tease and encourage her. Let Phoebe live on strong and sure in her mind and heart. Please don't let a moment's choice lead the images in her mind. Can God at least do that for me? I believe He can. Pray to St. Thomas Aquinas to remove those images, replace them with memories that will heal her heart and soul.
The prayers help. So many are being offered. Without them, without the thousands upon thousands of Masses and prayers being offered ...we would not be holding on. But we are ...finger by finger. The confidence of all the prayers said and offered for Phoebe assure me that she is where she belongs ...with God, her Creator. He restores order. He restored Phoebe to the right order of things. That order looks different now than it did two weeks ago. But not all that much, really. Which seems odd.
As I revisit the days, weeks, months, though I find no signs or indications that Phoebe was on a path to this one, horribly impulsive choice, I do see where He was preparing us. I don't find much comfort in that, but I see. What I see mostly is how there are so many lies about life out there for all of us, but especially our kids. Everything is okay ...behavior, drugs, sex, profanity, immodesty. "Oh, kids will be kids. Everyone does it!" Baloney, not everyone does it, not everyone, not every child reduces themselves (without knowing) to the most base behavior. And guess who's telling them everyone does it ..not a big deal? The grownups ...parents ...the people in charge. We'll have so much to answer for.
For so many of us, many of my friends we talk about this ...the struggle to raise our children, free from the burdens and pull of the culture. We strive to raise them as God wants us to ...as He has prescribed, and yet every step of the way ...we are mocked and undermined. Phoebe spoke of this; it caused great confusion for her. Our own priests mock, dismiss what we offer and expect from our kids. They laugh at us as we carry on with our ENORMOUS (more than three) amounts of children in tow. They pray for an end to global warming and giggle through the consecration. That is DISorder, not order. These are specific things Phoebe spoke of that threw her off track. She could not reconcile these things. We live in a place and time that has lost its way ...and Phoebe lost her way ...for a moment. How can so many of these priests have so much more wisdom than Christ himself? Why do I know more about our faith and treasures of the Church than them? And by the way, we had to fight to learn it. We'd ask questions "Oh, that's the old Church." No it's not. There is no "old" Church. There is His Church ...only. "We" are not Church. The Church is Christs living gift to us, a treasure chest that will keep us close. If someone gives you a gift, do you say "I am gift?" No! You say thank you and you treat the giver and the gift properly. If the gift is a hat, do you use it as a sock? No! The Church is our gift from Christ. How can we know our place before God if He is constantly reduced to a sensitive new age guy who plays the tambourine? To be fair, there are many, many reverent priests who we have been blessed to know. But they are so radically different from most that they seem to have been blessed with a completely different vocation. Thank God they have been put in my family's path so we can hold on.
God cannot be checked in with occasionally. Well, actually, one could do that, many do ...call upon Him only in need, maybe on Sunday. It hasn't been like that in this home for a very long time. Christ has been our center, and we have imperfectly placed Him, chosen Him as our core. I choose over and over to keep Him there. He will protect and restore us. He will protect and restore my precious children. And I beg, spare them the lies, the deceit....He has held my daughters hand and led her home. Please God, may you ultimately bring all my children home to You ....but I beg, do not allow this way again ....EVER!!! And please, please, may it be after my own passing.
In His service ...always.
We resist the crushing changes that death brings with every fiber of our being.
ReplyDeleteTwo things strike me in Scripture about how Christ experienced the death of the people He loved.
When Christ learns of the death of John the Baptist, it was clear that He was so crushed about this sudden change to His life and ministry that He had to withdraw to compose himself.
When Lazarus dies, while his family and friends are grieving, Christ takes three days to mosey on along to the family.
When they see Christ, they are upset with Him. Here they are best friends of the Lord and what good did it do them? How could the Lord let this happen to them? Why did it take Him so long to come to them?
But Christ uses the situation to teach them about the Resurrection. He wasn't anxious because He knows. In the blink of an eye, in our own three days, we will rise with Christ and we will all be together in Paradise some day.
Our lives change in a moment's notice. Every day our feet hit the floor we take a step towards the Light. Even if there is a retreat.
You are a strong woman of faith. When you take the steps, your children will be right behind you, moving towards the Light. There will be love and joy, laughter and victories along with all of the frustrations, disappointments and defeats.
The song Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen is a little secular but he got the tenets of living our lives right. With all our treasures or screw ups, sins - it is about surrender and pleasing our Lord.
This verse says it all:
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
Thanks Carol,
ReplyDeleteYour words are true, as are the verses of the song. It's the only place I will stand now, before the Lord, broken and imperfect, yet unceasing. So many, many people left Christ when He told them what it meant to be His follower. Peter is holding my hand, our hands as we continue to follow Him who asks for everything. There is peace in the mix of emotion.
We'll all return to God and thank Him for these moments of peace you are able to find, and ask Him to keep praying with us for more.
ReplyDeleteI have a story I wanted to share with you.
A few months ago when our family dropped my daughter off to live away from us at college, my 20 year old son got up at 4:30am, made a pot of coffee, cooked us up some breakfast and then came up to wake us up. While I was deeply moved by his act of kindness to get his sister's day off to a good start (skills of being aware of others and serving them that he is working on),though I complimented him, in the harried morning and all of the emotions of leaving my baby at school, I didn't give that act the recognition it deserved. We rushed out the door and I put him in charge of the GPS and reminded him to be careful because it was important not to get off course so we could be there early enough for the unpleasant ritual of claiming territory in the dorm room. I, in fact, reminded him several times. But, he plugged in the wrong address and we were taken off course, into traffic, that cost us a couple of hours.
Knowing what that meant, I expressed my frustration at his carelessness, with the clarity and detail I should have spent telling of how much his act of kindness meant. I could see how this affected him and though I instantly switched gears to pay attention to his needs, (instead of my own and my youngest), I know I didn't make up for it.
You did everything within your mortal capabilities to care for and about Phoebe. Whatever small things happened (or did not), here and there along the way are part of life's ebbs and flows. These were not contributions to Phoebe's surrender. I know it seems like it is easy for everyone around you to say but they are trying to tell you this to help you take that step towards the Light. Letting go of regrets of how something played out is part of the journey.
We are not omnipotent. We do not have the control on how what we say and do or don't say and don't do affects everyone around us in in every set of circumstances no matter how hard we try.
The onus and accountability for how we receive things has to be on each one of us. It takes many years and hard work to navigate.
Even with Christ's perfection, the things He said so perfectly were taken by people and given meaning Christ never intended to convey, to take on a life of their own to all who heard.
This is different than all the terrible influences, all the temptations, all the things in the culture of death offered to our children These things,along with the cowardice and ineptitude of our priests and Bishops, are impeding the abilities of our children to navigate through this course.
I'm glad you can feel Peter. He knows the way. Christ taught him as he was hightailing it out of Rome trying to escape the persecutions of Nero.
Quo Vadis.
We pray for more moments of the peace of Christ that surpasses all understanding on this day and every day.