Another day behind me. I wish I could jettison to a year, awaken and say, ah yes, we have made it through. But God gave me this cross to carry and I join my heart to His on the road to Calvary.
Part of the title may seem a bit cryptic. Some of you know me well enough to know just what I mean.
But, let me be really clear. Home is heaven, the place where ultimately I will be with Phoebe once again.
When I get there, it will be pure love. I will be home, with my spectacular daughter, but most especially with my Creator ...with Christ. He is the whole reason for everything. I believe that totally, and though, in this awfulness, I don't understand His wisdom, I trust His wisdom. That's not always easy, and there will be plenty of hard days ahead, but it is what I know and choose.
I miss Phoebe. Two nights ago we had dinner for the first time since she died. We sat around the table as a family, less one. I stared at the seat she guarded with gusto and determination. No one, I mean NO ONE could dare take that seat across from me, at the right hand of Dad. But now, others can sit there. I didn't make it through dinner. I felt woozy ...it wasn't right. We gathered again last night ...and I made it through. Tonight, who knows?
Last night we went to a support group for parents who've lost a child. It was good! I wanted to hear that in a short while the pain goes away. What I heard was that it doesn't go away, it just gets softer. People are changed, not worse, just different. I don't know what to expect. I just have to "be" for now. I just have to love those around me for now. But there are some certainties too. God loves me, my husband loves me and I love him, I have great kids that deserve a full rich life, lived in the faith, and I have the most wonderful generous friends one could ever ask for. Lots of people who have similar experiences can't say the same.
And so today, the gift of another day, the gift of an abundant life. So many reasons to be grateful. I'll forge ahead.
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