I remember when I was little trying to recreate, re-live the anticipation and excitement of Christmas morning. One of my brothers and one sister would set things up as we had found them in our race to see what had been left for us under the tree. We'd go back upstairs and race back down ...but, it was never the same. You just can't go back.
I want to go back now. I want to check on Phoebe at 6:45AM, tell her coffee is on while I tug her feet. "Hey Pheeb, you awake." She would be cocooned in her down comforter, head to toe, and she would begin to move, arching her back, just as babies do. That was all. I never had to rewake her. Just now is the time she would come into the kitchen, mill about. I can't recreate that, I can't go back in time and enjoy those moments of sending her off for her day. That hurts. It was really a very simple ritual, but one I really treasured ...even before now. There was something so peaceful about that each day for me.
So now, I'm convinced that the best way to embrace and live that again is to keenly and deliberately give thanks for the chance to have my morning ritual with my six other children and my husband. The little nuances of each one, their particularities of morning life is something for me to behold. Some ease into their day quietly, while others have numerous bumps along the way with missing shoes, not the right deli meat. Each is sent off with their morning offering and guardian angel prayer, armored I hope. That too was a ritual with Phoebe. The past couple of years she wouldn't join me, growing angry, so I would say it quietly for her ...but then, I could, again, say it out loud. Anger had softened. Her words would not join mine, but at the end she would say "Amen." I believe. Yes Phoebe, I believe too.
Beautifully said.
ReplyDeleteI love the icon of the Our Lady of Perpetual Help, with the Archangels Michael and Gabriel holding the lance, sponge and nailed cross and Jesus tenderly seeking solace from His Mother.
I am so glad to read you are focusing on the loving routine for your children and your husband.
My children are not morning people. I often have to go up two or three times. I dont know where they got that from because I am up way before dawn drinking in moments of darkness before the sunrises and the light as it breaks through the darkness. In the last few years as my life got so overwhelmed with chores of taking care of a family, home - it was so annoying! We so often take life for granted. I don't think it will ever annoy me again.
I think I am less patient than you are and may slip back into stealing their covers on the third trip.. but I will be doing it with a smile.
I thought of you today when I read tomorrow's readings. May God and His Mother continue to bring you strength and comfort.
Brothers and sisters:
I kneel before the Father,
from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named,
that he may grant you in accord with the riches of his glory
to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in the inner self,
and that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith;
that you, rooted and grounded in love,
may have strength to comprehend with all the holy ones
what is the breadth and length and height and depth,
and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge,
so that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to accomplish far more than all we ask or imagine,
by the power at work within us,
to him be glory in the Church and in Christ Jesus
to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.