Stillness

I'm finding that sometimes I just need to be still.  I'm a doer, a worker bee ...that's a mom's life in a busy household.  It is also my nature.  To be clear though, I can often be "busy" and accomplishing "nothin'." When I am still, I can see her, talk to her.  I sat in her room today and told her how the day looked.  We chatted about some of her favorite things.  Mostly, I just sat for a bit, being in her place she loved.  It's a bright sunny spot, painted bright pink and on one wall 8" lime green stripes.  She had interesting taste in artwork.  Once she told me exactly what she was looking for ...a black metal cityscape.  I found one unexpectedly one day at Marshalls, and we both laughed about how it was in her head, but we'd never seen one before.  I looked at that today, remembering how she had redone her room after her brother left for school.  How she must have been grasping at redefining space herself.  Her big brother was everything to her.  When he left, her world changed ...and that wasn't easy.  People leaving was never easy for her ...even if just for a bit.  Phoebe didn't like change all that much.  We all adjusted, slowly, to life without Stephen as he became immersed in a different world at the Air Force Academy.  I had the diversion of my other kids ...and still, it tugged.  When he left and came home, it was another change, she had adjusted and now ...she had to redefine her space, again.  She didn't like that.  Well guess what Phoebe, I don't like this one bit ...this redefining space thing.  I want you back here with all your energy, sass and song.  I want to watch you climb the stairs two at a time, slide over to the counter, lean on both arms ..."Moooooommm."  I want to tell you to stop re-parenting my children, let me do my job without interruption.  I want to watch you tell everyone to stop picking at dinner as your jaw chews whatever we're serving.  I want, I want, I want.  What I want and what I need are two very different things ...something we struggle to help our kids understand and discern (not an easy task in the culture of our times).  But what I need, what do I NEED?  I need to turn always to God ...and I struggle to constantly and arrive for moments at a time.  And when I do in those moments find myself in the presence of God, I rest ...I am still ...and only there will I restore.

Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe, and may perpetual light shine upon her. Amen