Create in me a clean heart, O God (Ps 50:10) That's what I want ...a clean heart, one that is trusting and open ...willing to follow His way. I don't have that yet, but I'm trying. There is the desire to stand still, not leave this place. But there is the need to move forward ...bringing me closer to home. Children have such a strong sense of Heaven ...an assurance we tend to lose as we age, mature. I remember years ago when one of my daughters was just about four. One night she asked me as I tucked her into bed "Mommy, when am I going home." I answered with a "you silly, you are home." "No, mommy, when am I going to my real home ...with God." I was speechless ...what did she know, I worried. Was something to happen to her that she had a sense of? Nothing did, but it struck me so deeply ...this awareness that she was not yet truly home. I have a bit of that now ...that I don't quite fit here. This isn't my place, and yet, it is ...it is where I am to be, probably for some time. There are good reasons to desire being here ...and I do, I just don't feel complete anymore. Probably, that's exactly how God wants me to feel. I am not complete without God. And though I strive to live each day in service to Him, even though I may struggle with anger toward Him, until I am in His presence, I will not be whole. I know people who experience that ...without losing a child. Those are extraordinarily gifted people, ones with a natural sense of their place before God. I am more of an ordinary person ...I need to be hit over the head with some very basic truths. He hit me really hard this time.
So now that I have this desire to be home with God ...so that I can see Phoebe (which isn't quite the right motive yet.) I want my heart to be as clean and pure as possible. This ...will not be easy for me though I know it is true.
I read today that if we prepare ourselves and talk to God often throughout our day, make use of the sacraments, examine our conscience we will not at all be surprised when He comes again. True Christians are prepared because they live their lives like a guard at attention, not leaving their post for an instant. I've thought of myself as a true Christian ...but I don't think I am there yet. I want to be, I strive to live as one. But where is my heart unclean, selfish, preoccupied. Well, for one, why can't I joyfully accept that Phoebe is with God? For me, I struggle with the belief that joy will come only when I am there too, right next to her. But then what about my others? Am I so consumed with the loss of this daughter, that I fail to recognize the children still here? Are they struggling to catch my gaze only to find my eyes vacant ...distant? Is my motive to be with Phoebe about God, about wholeness, about love? Or is it about a desire ...a demand? I don't know the answers. I do know I want my heart to be clean when I approach the manger ...as clean and pure as it can be. To be clean it must be free of all the clutter that distracts me from God ...things of this world, my own selfish desires (some of them quite natural as a mother), my putting off the work I must do here ...now. I must pick up this heavy, heavy burden and trust that it is truly mine to carry ...and trust that in time I will learn to love it. Not that I will ever love Phoebe's absence, but I will grow to love this sorrow as a gift, one that builds the foundation necessary for me to find my own way to eternal life with God. Some souls are more pliable than others ...I'm stubborn ...He has to work me harder than most perhaps. A clean heart ...that's a project that will last me a lifetime. I hope my sincerity allows me to approach the infant, and offer as a promise my own beloved child. My heart will not be as pure as it will one day be ...but for now, my desire and struggle will perhaps be enough.
I look ahead at Blessed Mother. She's walked this way and she urges me onward. I will follow her ...she has never let me down. I can hear the rustling of her mantle as it guides me towards her Son.
Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her. May she rest in peace. Amen.
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