As the day closes, it marks the second month since Phoebe's death. It has been a difficult day. I'm trying to stay on course to Bethlehem, follow through. Truth is, I don't really feel like it right now, don't really see the sense of heading in that direction. I've stalled. I'm a tad bit angry about having my daughter taken. I'm a devoted person, trying to do right by and for God. I haven't been afraid to speak the truth. I've chosen to live according to His teachings ...in ALL ways. We've done things differently for our children, for God. So, I can't quite understand why He has chosen this new life for us. We never know what goes on in others' lives, but from where I sit, I don't see things being doled out in a fair and just way. Should I feel honored? Chosen? ....Am I given this special gift to share in the suffering of my redeemer? I don't feel any of that. I feel punished ...ignored ...betrayed. My faith has been shaken to its very core ...and I am hanging on for dear life. People seem pretty cozy ...dabbling in God from time to time, nice car, nice house ...pretty happy. He's been the heart and soul of this home for a long time. And we've paid a mighty price. Have we been fools?
The hill is too steep for me right now to follow. Maybe tomorrow I will feel stronger, fortified, encouraged. Right now ...I'm pretty sure the only one who really understands any of this at all is someone who's lost a child ...the exact same way. Where was God when this fatal impulse overtook my daughter? He couldn't spare this spirited, passionate soul? Didn't He know what it would do to us? Did He want me to be this angry ...this far away from Him? My intellect continues to choose Him over and over ...but my heart ...has a very different story.
Two months ...I've only waited two months to see her again. I have a long way to go ...and I am very, very sad about that.
Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her. May she rest in peace, Amen.
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