Lifting the Fog

Phoebe broke a social contract; she broke our family covenant.  My girl, by her own hand, died. I cannot begin to tell you what that does to me inside.  Someday, I might write here the details of that day.  I certainly visit them enough, go over and over ...natural, I know, as I strive to live those last breathing moments with her.  Suicide is a horrible choice ...perhaps the worst choice a human being could ever make. When I first started writing here, I said I might get into all the things that have given rise to teenage suicide.  I've done a good bit of reading and I have some solid ideas on the topic.  One fact I recently learned, that both comforts me ... and burns me is that twenty five percent of teenagers who attempted suicide, and thankfully, failed, have shared that the total time from the moment suicide entered their mind to the actual attempt was five minutes ...yeah, that's right...FIVE MINUTES.  Five!  Some of the reasons seem outrageous ...getting braces that afternoon, a fight with a girlfriend, not being able to use the car.  The general belief is that those who attempt suicide have some mental illness ...not true.  Sixty percent have no history of mental illness.  Another myth is that warning signs are there ...mostly, not true. 
For our own personal story ...there were no warning signs ...nothing that would indicate concern.  There was no mental illness. There were no messages to me, my husband, her friends except for one which said to give her a call back that day or the next.  Phoebe had plans.  Phoebe had a family that breathed right along with her, played with her, loved her.  Phoebe had a wonderful life.  We still struggle for the answer.  Why?  How did she arrive in that horrible place so quickly?  She spiraled ...fast.
Phoebe had to own up to two things that morning.  First, after telling her dad he was ridiculous for asking her if she had her ID for the SAT, she couldn't find it once she was there.  Second, as we searched her bags at home for her ID to shoot up to the school with it ...we found pot in one of them.  I'm not going to write at length about that right now ...but be sure I will.  There is a lot to say about pot.  Bottom line ...it killed Phoebe.  Oh, go ahead, say "No, that couldn't be it."  Pot causes depression, decreased impulse control (in an already compromised, undeveloped frontal lobe), and it causes paranoia.  Pot stays in your brain for thirty days.  It is ten times stronger today then when I was growing up.  It is often laced with heroin and/or other drugs.  It is targeted to the young, often sold with "teaser" packs of heroin "for free."  Some of the smartest kids I know smoke it.  These kids are indestructible ...can't happen to them.  Really?  Unfortunately, one of the biggest reasons it is so prevalent among our teenagers is because there's more than enough adults out there telling them its not a big deal.  Oh, and there's plenty of web sites telling our kids how to smoke it at  home without getting caught.  I have kids telling me about friends who smoke it with there parents.  Cool!?????????????????? I know parents worried about their kids smoking it, who've spoken to their friends' parents, who giggle because its not a big deal.  How about this?  Try finding your daughter dead ...then tell me pot isn't a big deal.  Every professional we've spoken to from MD's, PhD's to social workers, and there have been plenty, have confirmed for us that Phoebe died because of pot.  Did she have stress, sure she did, like most kids on the brink of adulthood.  Would that have killed her?  No.  Would adding pot to the mix kill her?  It already did!  We had no idea she was using pot.  She hid it well ...she learned from the best.  Are we checked out parents ...not by a long shot ...we're just not all that hip, I guess.  We believe in old fashioned, honest, open conversations, staying up for your kids, greeting them at the door, calling their friends parents to make sure the stories are true ...you know, all that old fashioned involved parent kind of thing.  Sorry to be sarcastic ...but while we've been busy instilling strong character in our children, someone was lying to our daughter ...telling her we were odd ...throwbacks, quaint, not quite hip enough ...not quite part of the "hey, anything goes crowd." 
Pot is not a simple, little weed growing in nature that can offer relaxation and a sense of "wow."  Find me a heroin addict that didn't start with pot.  Don't believe me?  This new life I lead has introduced me to a whole slew of parents who've lost children to drugs in their twenties, thirties, forties, fifties.  Guess what they all started using as a teenager ....pot.  No kidding. "So," some may say, "I'm pushing sixty and I light up every now and then, never did me any harm."  One response ...stay away from my kids, and while you're at it ...keep your own kids away from mine.  I've been down that road already ...didn't work out so well.
Can you sense that I'm a bit ANGRY?  Our culture is in shambles ... and the only thing that will rebuild it is family ...honest to goodness family.  Families have been under attack now for far too long.  Families who live close to God ...well, isn't that silly.  One of my friends told a priest we both know about Phoebe's death.  "She was a victim of the culture"  he said.  Pretty much in a nutshell!  We had lots and lots of conversations with Phoebe about life.  She challenged us a lot ...pushed us hard, backed us into corners ...she examined with the most precise lens.  We held our ground ...God is always first ...always!
She had found a lovely stride ...more comfortable in herself, sharing that our observations, our beliefs were real, authentic.  "You actually live what you believe, not like so many others who claim believing something they don't even live themselves," was one of the last conversations I had with her.  She asked questions. She lived and she loved ...and she hurt, very, very deeply, for a few minutes of her life.  How I wish I was there for her.  I always will. And while I struggled early on with where her soul might be, because of what she had done ...taken her own life, I've come to know that she is with the One she searched for her whole life.  The One she knew so well when she was younger.  Phoebe has found Him, her Christ, for sure, once again.
A dear friend gave me a CD last week that she thought I would like.  I've listened non-stop to it in my car; it lets the tears run free, cleansing, making room for the strength.  One of the songs captures what I think it could have been like for Phoebe.  As orthodox Catholics, we believe in judgment ... there is a hell ...a real place, probably for people who lead our children and others astray (gulp!) and there's quite a bit of that going on right about now!  There is a Heaven for sure, and living in Christ gives us the hope and promise of that perfect place.  And there is this place called Purgatory that Christ spoke of ...a place of purification, a cleansing of the soul.  That's where most of us end up initially, but the promise of Heaven, once in Purgatory is certain ...and of course, that whole God out of time thing, is really tough to wrap our heads around.  I'm rambling.  My point is that I am not sure if Phoebe is in Heaven yet.  I have some very faithful friends who are certain of this.  I pray for this.  But if she isn't, it's because of the hurt she has inflicted on her family ...the devastation she left us, and her friends with, and because she forgot to trust God.  We will pick up the pieces for the rest of our lives.  But this song ...well, it sings to my soul.  I know Phoebe must have felt extraordinary shame when she realized we had found the pot, after she forgot her ID.  There was no need ...we've weathered many storms, this just would have been another that we would see our way through.  But, I think she felt a deep shame that led her to darkness, a paranoid darkness like no other ...thanks to the pot living in her brain.  I know in my heart, my heavenly mother, Mary, took hold of her immediately. Soon after, this is what I see ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hH7m-q2G8jA&feature=related
May you all have the peace of Christ in your hearts.

Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her.  May she rest in peace.  Amen.