Listening

This time of year is especially difficult for anyone who misses someone.  The longing just can't be satisfied.  For those of us who've lost a child there are few words to convey just how far it reaches, how much it consumes our lives.  So much is changed.  Our sense of knowing, hoping, living is off kilter as we struggle to find the balance to get through most days.  Most of us will never find sure footing again.  That's life anyway, but its even more true for parents when they've lost a child.  It has not been easy losing Phoebe.  No one would ever suggest that.  It's been much harder than I'd imagined.  Holding it together, takes an extraordinary amount of grace ...and thank God for all the prayers and encouragement.  I know so many people ..many we don't even know, are praying hard for Phoebe and for us ...and I know they are working, bringing comfort and strength to all of us.  It's always right there, the avalanche of emotion that could cut loose, spill out with the slightest prompt.
We are holding on ...navigating a very difficult, treacherous path ...but we are here.  And our charge now is to live well.
We spent our Saturday in Vermont with wonderful friends and we experienced the simplicity of a farming life.  I don't mean that in the sense it doesn't demand the hardest work imaginable, but that it is so intense that many things must be ignored ...like the cultural pull.  I would like that, I think ...but that's not my life.  Would life really be simpler for me?  Phoebe had talked about becoming a farmer ...she liked what she knew of that life ...the idea of self sufficiency, living off the land, living "off the grid."  I missed her while we were up there ...she would have liked it.  But in reality, she may not have come with us ...we may not have shared that anyway.  That's what's hard about losing her ...we just don't know anything anymore, except what was ...our memories ...and those, for the most part are good.  I think God is generous with memories ...and they blanket me often.  It was a real Currier and Ives Christmas up there ...a real treasure.  Only a few years older than us, this family's second generation is well underway ...the ages of my younger two.  Life goes on ... doesn't it!  The warmth of friendship, a glimpse at a time past, and being in the fresh, cold air all day soothed and refreshed us.  We were fortified ....and even rested after a long day.  Generosity of friends does that.
Today, I heard exactly what I needed to hear from St. James.  Patience ...ah, isn't that my greatest challenge?  Yet, he implores us to trust in God, be patient ...for He is coming.  "Be patient, brothers and sisters, until the coming of the Lord.  See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient with it until it receives the early and late rain."  "Well, HURRY UP!"  I want to scream back ...because that's me.   I must be patient.  I don't have a choice ...patience.  Yes, the farmer must be patient.  Here I am drawn to the farming life ....I'd have a tough time, I think.  Be still.  Listen, I am told, let God speak to you ...slow down and listen.  I'm trying ...but that is hard.  Maybe its so hard because I am waiting for answers to MY questions rather than listening for Him.  I'm trying ...trying ...trying.  All these things to think about, clouds my head, my heart ...leaves no room for the listening, leaves no room to let Him in.  I have a fence around my heart ...afraid to lose Phoebe.  But what if that fence isn't grounded well?  Why can't I trust Him with my daughter. He knows me ...my doubt, my holding on tight.   Little ways, He has to use little ways to speak to this cantankerous soul.  I pick up a library book.
"How Many Miles to Bethlehem?"  Well wouldn't you know!, I think.  I'm heading that way ...how many miles more is it anyway?  This trip was supposed to be much easier.  I open it ...and there it is ...the dedication ...to Phoebe, Imogen and their Rabbit, Flopsy.  Coincidence?  Maybe.  Is God using a children's book to tell me something ...encourage me?  I think He is.
So, we'll continue on this rather difficult journey to Bethlehem ...making our way across difficult terrain ...Maybe, just maybe, I'll listen a little closer.

Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her.  May she rest in peace.  Amen.