A quiet day ...soft, gentle. I can stay here awhile, just remembering and giving thanks. I've been blessed beyond what I could imagine. Truly, I couldn't ask for more ...God could not have been more generous during my journey and arrival at Bethlehem. He could have been enormously less so, and I would have been grateful ... for anything. I have a assurance, confirmation ...peace.
My heart is full, yet it rests low in my chest. It still feels heavy ...I miss her. If she walked into the room ...it would still be natural, she still belongs in my day. But today, it does not pull me over. I can stay here and rest. I can enjoy where she is, where my heart has been ...in Bethlehem. She can stay there. But, my life must go on, and go on well, with every bit of effort as if she were still here. I see her in my mind. "You go Mom, it's not your time, it's okay." She smiles a gentle smile, the one she had when her heart was sure. She walks with me. I go about my tasks, the mothering, the keeping house ...and she smiles accompanying me, laughing "I know Mom." She follows me as I switch from washer to dryer ...she knows the complexities of that in this house ...she knows. She has me hold my tongue ..."shhh, wait Mom, don't react." I pray, and she leans on me "it is good Mom." I have this now, for now ...maybe only for now. I don't have to leave right now, but soon. There is a life to live. "I'll be here Mom" as she nods towards the manger, "It will be good."
I ask her questions and she answers smiling ..."always pray" she seems to say "it is the best way. He is here, God is here." I'll rest here now, gaining strength, learning purpose ...knowing she is well ...and that I will be, we all will be well too.
God has cared for me in the most tender way. May I give back to Him in all I do. He has Phoebe ...and she has Him. I love you Phoebe ..."I know" she says ...and her eyes shine and her body smiles. When a mother must take leave of her daughter ...this is truly the best of ways. Be well, my sweet one.
Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her. May she rest in peace. Amen
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