My feet ...and my heart move me forward. But my heart hesitates. Some days the pain is so raw, so tremendous ...it simply won't be ignored. I always believe those times are when God is really working on me. But I would prefer He just let me be. The "lighter" days are still pretty heavy. Bring on the "harder" days and I simply don't understand how God could think I could carry such a load. In my outrage, I still tell Him I trust Him. That is simply a choice ...not a feeling or inspiration. Where else would I, could I, go?
Phoebe and I were teammates leading up to Christmas. She was my consultant, director, organizer ...from gifts for her siblings to appetizers, meals, cookies, visits, visitors ...all these things. Late at night she would wrap with me until she grew too tired and would trot off to bed. The past few years she took over the annual toffee making responsibilities. I've made this recipe since I was in college. I'd make batches and batches while Phoebe watched, spread the pecans and chocolate, broke it into pieces and wrapped packages to be sent off to a few special friends. Finally, she was confident enough to take over ...so it became her task. I'll miss that this year. I don't like feeling on my own. Of course my other girls are eager to pitch in ...and of course, its a pleasure to let them ...but there is an ache, a sorrow, a missing I just can't ignore.
So its time for new traditions and new ways of doing things, mixed in with some of the old. We'll visit a few different places this year. Maybe Christmas day will have a different pattern. I don't like it one bit, not having her here with me in the flesh. I am hoping that her festive spirit sidles up next to me from time to time.
I keep hearing that this life passes in the blink of an eye. Is that true? I've said that myself many times, but I'm just not convinced right now as I navigate through. It feels like slow motion.
Today is the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, Mary totally pure, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee.
Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her. May she rest in peace. Amen
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