Choosing

Taken from yesterday's (Dec. 20, 2010) Magnificat
Saint Augustine said that Mary conceived Christ in her heart by faith before she conceived him in her womb.  As we look toward the celebration of his birth,let us pray that he may come to dwell through faith in every heart purified by the search for God.

I will never be the mother of God.  That is not my goal.  But ...I can imitate her in this way.  To make space for him in my heart is to imitate her.  My heart is the center of my living.  If it doesn't beat, I don't live.  What makes my heart beat?  If anything other than Christ controls the thump bump of my heart ...than I want to cast it out.  I only want Christ to reign in that place.  I'm striving to get there.  I know it will take my whole life, but I am striving.  That doesn't mean I can rest ...ever.  That is why I must make my way to Bethlehem ...because there,  I can empty my heart at the manger, of yes, even those I love the most, even the one whose loss scorches and burns me.  If I can get there, no matter how tough or hard the journey, no matter the detours or distractions, I can give my imperfect heart to the perfect infant who was born to save me ...to save us all.  If  I can open my hands, my arms, my heart to give all I have, all I've had,   back to Him ...only then, can I claim what graces He has for me.  I don't expect big things, an exchange that is even in a worldly way.  I do hope, and yes expect, that my heart will be cleaner, less cluttered, ready to be full of Him.  And when I am full of Him, I can be His servant in a way like never before.  I can conceive Christ in my heart.  That's what I want for Christmas.  It will not just happen.  I have to desire it, deeply and with great conviction.  I have to ask for it ...and I have to live as if I want it by practicing a life that reflects that ....a heart that reflects that.
God is so gracious and kind.  He has given me a life I never wanted ...and yet, it is indeed a gift.  How?  I can't answer that.  I may never answer it. But, if my heart is to belong to Him, ultimately only Him, then I must trust this burden as part of His plan, part of His great generosity for me, and everyone else affected by Phoebe's absence.  For sure, I don't like it ...don't want it ...would choose a radically different gift ...one of comfort, peace ...one that includes my Phoebe here and breathing, laughing, complaining, living, singing ...all the things that are part of her.  I would choose that ...but God has offered an invitation to accept something else, a gift He prefers for me.  I do choose it ...and I wait ...and I trust.

Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her.  May she rest in peace.  Amen.