Carry On!

Last night, at the memorial service, a song was played.  There were plenty of letters read, poems recited, reflections ...all of them beautiful, personal, meant for the lost, but meaningful to everyone present.  We understand the depth, the horror, the questioning.  So everything shared pulled on my heart, but there was one that felt as though Phoebe stared me in the face and sang to me.  It is a song called Carry On, My Sweet Survivor by Peter Yarrow (of Peter, Paul and Mary).  I couldn't find it on You Tube ...if anyone else can, please share it. 
This song in particular carried her voice.  On the long ride there, my husband and I spoke all about her.  He felt like she was in the back seat, right there with us.  I don't get those kind of feelings.  I wish I did.  I do get fleeting moments when she comes to make a point ...and then she's off.  Phoebe had remarked many times about my strength ...inherited and taught to me by my own mother ...a survivor in her own right.  I had often remarked that my mother would continue her ascent of Mt. Everest, even after losing all her limbs.   She simply went on ...always, until her final battle with cancer ended her life over seven years ago.  I know Phoebe believed I could survive this ...and she was right, but it is a survival with much cost and extraordinary pain.  Phoebe, in many ways, was my companion.  The oldest daughter often becomes just that in a large family.  There's lots to do and their chance to grow and offer their very best is readily available.  She knew a lot about her mother, was a keen observer of me ...freely sharing  my strengths and weaknesses.  Phoebe was strong too, but she lost a battle in moments.  How will I ever reconcile that ...weave that into my life.  The very fabric of her missing. 
For a long time Phoebe understood what her parents were about.  We were after integrity, dignity, virtue and most especially faith in God.  We work at that, fall short a lot, but it is our compass.  Trying to find a better place for our family, establishing a firm foundation that would hold the family for generations.  We grew up in trying times when the culture flipped on our own parents.  The messages were confusing, the direction uncertain ...it was a tough time to keep a family healthy and whole.  We wanted to forge ahead and do that ...bring about a change that would be certain, as least as much as it could be.  Our vision is fifty years out.  Certainly, our vision is in the moment for our kids and their care.  But the plan, like a dream home, or a thousand acre farm, takes time to build, nurture.  We know what we are doing will be realized over time, not immediately.  I don't know if that makes any sense, probably doesn't if you already come from a family that was able ( a tremendous blessing and grace) to establish that ahead of you.  For those of us who didn't benefit from that ...you know the life of a pioneer, a homesteader.  We trust that God will lead us ...and He has in many, many ways.  But it is not an easy road.
Phoebe knew that, lived it in many ways.  While the world around her ebbed and flowed between opinions, ideas, beliefs, she came home to something that held firm.  We talked a lot ...about where we are heading. She knew it didn't usually mesh with the worldly consensus.  We know plenty of others on the same path, so she knew she was in good company, but still, out there in world ...a world that likes to have its way ....she was alone ...too often.  Well liked, respected, admired ...she held her own.
I'm sad, a bit lost, somewhat jaded ...and yes, afraid without her.  God knows this and I believe Phoebe knows this.  So, I believe it was this song she sang to me last night, with her full, rich, folksy voice ...a voice too powerful for even her.

Carry On, My Sweet Survivor
You have asked me why the days fly by so quickly
And why each one feels no different from the last
And you say that you are fearful for the future
And you have grown suspicious of the past
And you wonder if the dreams we shared together
Have abandoned us or we abandoned them
And you ask about and try to find the meaning
So that you can feel that closeness once again.


Carry on my sweet survivor, Carry on, my lonely friend
Don't give up on the dream and don't you let it end
Carry on, my sweet survivor, though you know that something's gone
For everything that matters, carry on


You remember when you felt each person mattered
When we all had to care or all was lost
But now you see believers turn to cynics
And you wonder was the struggle worth the cost
Then you see someone too young to know the difference
And the veil of isolation in their eyes
And inside you know you've got to leave them something
Or the hope for something better slowly dies.


Carry on my sweet survivor, Carry on, my lonely friend
Don't give up on the dream and don't you let it end
Carry on, my sweet survivor, though you know that something's gone
For everything that matters, carry on

Carry on, my sweet survivor, You've carried it so long
So it may come again, Carry on ...Carry on ...Carry on.

There are phrases in this song that are phrases of our home, our life together. The dream we have, the one we've lived and work for is still worth the fight.  The world may tell us we did it all wrong ...should of just gone along with the culture ...but Phoebe knew, and knows now, in this world there is a mighty price paid for staying close to the Truth. 
Carry on, what else can I do, but carry on. It makes me happy to think of her singing these words to me, and it gives me a reason ...a desire to do just that ...carry on.  Thanks Pheebs!

Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her.  May she rest in peace.  Amen