How do I lose my faith in God and His generosity? How?
I have someone "coaching" me along this path of grief. Today we talked about moving on, and why that feels so cold and empty to me. I understand the reality, that I will never leave Phoebe behind, but my heart wrestles with that. A mother never leaves. Having listened to me since the early days of despair, the good and the bad times, the hurdles, the laughter, the love ...she asked me a question today I had never considered. She knows my faith, that it is my compass, my lifeboat, my rescue. She knows I believe that everlasting life is real, and that my Phoebe is living that now. She knows I believe, know, Phoebe is at peace, resting in God's arms, comforted by an intense joy and awareness of His love. Why don't you join her there? she asked me. If that is indeed where Phoebe is, wouldn't Phoebe want my heart to be in that place too ...not physically, but spiritually, emotionally. So rather than thinking I am either leaving Phoebe, or taking her with me ....why not let her take me with her, take my heart with her, so that I can find some of that peace she lives with now. That made sense to me. So, as the day moved on I remembered a song I had found a few weeks before Phoebe died. I played it a lot on you tube ...no one else liked it, but I did. Phoebe would either role her eyes or say "not again." It had reminded me of her ...because she pushed me so much, so often, that the moments of really seeing her in her entirety, literally would take my breath away. She was my sunshine ....I believe God gave her to me, and took her from me, so that I would find him ever more closely and so that I would form my heart for Him. It was rough going at times, but deep down I knew it was all a blessing to be realized when I passed into the next life. Never did I think she would go before me. She knew this song was hers for me. Today I came home and played it ...and listened hard to the lyrics. It's a love song meant for a man and woman, but the lyrics speak to me of her. Each morning I would wake her ...and her dark hair would lay across her pillow, and she would be tangled in her big down comforter ...winter or summer ...and for a few moments I would just watch her sleep and breath, until I shook her toes to wake her.
After I played this song, the mail came with a card. It is from one her school friends she had grown close to over the past year. Inside is a radiant picture of Phoebe sitting at World's End, one of her favorite spots, with the late day sun radiant behind her. Her face aglow with her beautiful smile, her floppy bun atop her head, and her hands gesturing some command to her friend ...so Phoebe ....so much Phoebe. Little did her friend know how much it would mean to all of us. Or maybe she did ...she knew how special Phoebe was. One by one, it's been picked up ..."where did this come from?" they ask. I tell them about my prayer today, the song they all know I love ...and the picture. And I say, "see how God hears my prayer and let's me know ...gives me a huge gift only He could." And they nod, smile, yes, through all the doubt, all the questioning, all the sadness, they smile and see ...that God loves us, hears us. Here is the picture so you can see her and hear the song at the same time, and feel for just a moment what I am missing. Not to make you sad, but for you to feel her rays shining on you too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CkCPyrfkSI
Every time God goes missing on me ...He lets me know loud and clear ...it's not Him, or even Phoebe that's gone missing, but me. With a big bear hug, He brings me face to face with her, breath to breath ...and I know that she is here ...and that she loves me ...and I love her.
Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her. May she rest in peace. Amen.
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