Cooperate

There is something to be said for the structure and routine of a day.  There are still eight people under this roof, busy lives ...yet the absence is so real, so deeply felt and known.  One less has shifted the orbit of this house, this family.  I can't imagine if we were fewer ...the silence would be even louder.  We were blessed so abundantly this Christmas ...I remind myself of that, cling to the truth of that grace.  Life is more stark now ...a long, straight road ahead of us seems to fall into view.  But I know the rhythms of our days will take on a new pace as life gets lived ...experiences happen.  We will be newly formed, given the desire and grace to live onward.
There is no question though that I am a different person.  I've been thinking lately how long it would take me to get back to my old self ...until I realized that will never happen.  Who I am now is still a mystery to me.  One person with a very similar story shared that her friends have said they are waiting for the old her to return ...the fun, bubbly, upbeat woman whose company they enjoyed and counted on.  She's told them flat out ...I'm not her anymore ...I lost my boy.  I know that sounds depressing, maybe even like she's given up, but it's not ...it's real.  God changes us by what He gives us.  We choose to accept it, work with it, give our all back to Him ...strive to even love what He's given us ...but we are changed.  Another said it's like having an arm amputated and no one notices.  The problem here is that an amputated arm would be far more welcome than a lost child.  If it were the arm, people would notice, be reminded ...with a child, time passes, people forget ...think you've moved on.  Sure, we'll all move on, those of us in this horrific group of people, but it will always be with us ... like a backpack, filled with rocks.  At some point that will become okay ...but it sure will be different.  Right now there are lots of things that are okay for me, that I won't work to fix or improve.  Before, they would have been energy sources for me ...driven me.  Now, I think I've just downsized my ambition, my drive.  Think big ...no, think really little.  In that, I think is one of the gifts from God.  It keeps me more in the moment, less in the future.  It helps me size things up in the most 'necessary' way, rather than the desired or optimal way.  It keeps me sane for now.  It even helps me hear stories I haven't before, live in them a while, wonder at the awe, marvel at God's plan, His ways, His plan.  I'm think I 'm starting to let Him do more of the work in my life ...while I'm starting to cooperate more ...not typical of a choleric temperament.
Ah, yes ...this is part of the new, or at least temporary me. 
Tonight I snuggled up on my bed with my three youngest and watched "The Waltons".  I love this show.  We all do.  They just sort of cooperate with God.  Produced during a time when God still had a place in our culture, He is spoken of often ...and prayed to regularly by the Waltons.  It backs me up a little here at home.
"See, other families pray too" I say (they haven't caught on yet that the Waltons lived back in the thirties and forties).  Even my older kids like the show, ask to watch it.  Maybe it's because TV is really limited in this house, but when they do watch they sit real close and always seem refreshed after ...not too many shows you can say that about.  As I watched tonight I listened to Grandma talk about faith and trust.  She was talking to Mary Ellen and Erin, but it was as though she was talking to me ...I needed that pep talk.  It helped, helped me realize and see that I don't really have to do anything right now ...just cooperate with Him ...just BE with Him.  I wasn't even going to watch with them ...there's so much to do here ...take advantage of the distraction, but I think God really wanted me to sit down with them, snuggle up and let me hear from Him through one of my favorite TV characters of all time.  He does the most interesting things to get our attention.
Another story was shared with me today that speaks of cooperation as well.
I've mentioned this friend before, the one I believe comes down from Heaven on occasion.  Gifted with extraordinary faith, he shares stories that stop us in our tracks ...make us see the power and magnitude of God.  Today he told the story of the flight into Egypt.  Herod's men were a full day behind the Holy Family as they made their way to safety.  Along the way, Joseph, Mary and the Christ child came upon a farmer and stopped for a little while.  The farmer was sowing seed in his field.  He became aware of who this child was and the danger they were in.  Mary knew this and said to him, "If they come here and ask you about us, tell them the truth, there is no reason to deceive them."  The farmer scratched his head.  "Okay" thinking it was against better judgment.  Along came Herod's men a day later.  Had he seen the family traveling by chance.  "Yes" he said "In fact they were here while I was sowing seed in my field."  Herod's men looked at each other.  "They are long gone then.  We've missed them." Looking at the fields, the seed had already sprouted and grew hearty in its place, as though a month had passed in twenty four hours.
If all we do is cooperate,  God will take care of the rest.  Just surrender.  Much easier said than done ...but I am learning.

Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her.  May she rest in peace. Amen.