Dreams

Most times there is simply no other way to move forward than to lean into the moment ...whether you want to or not.  Tonight while making dinner, my youngest came into the kitchen wearing a pink waitress dress, high heels, speaking with a sort of British accent.  "Hello Mrs.  It's time for your appointment at the doctors office.  The last person  just left and there is room for you now."  I looked at her and smiled.  In her regular voice "Please mom, I weally weally want you to come play doctor visit with me."  So, off I went.  I sat on a stool, around me were various and sundry things.  I would learn their purpose momentarily.  "Give me your arm ...this will hurt, but not a lot"  I received two shots from a ball point pen.  She told me it would take a few years for the results.  Next to me was a bell ornament.  She lifted it to my ear, pressed against my head and placed her ear on the other side.  Confidant, she stood before me "Well, I have to tell you that you have a cavity!"  Now, this is clearly astute and unusual medical methodology.  "Don't worry, we have all sorts of doctors here, regular doctors, throw-up doctors and dentists.  Well, sometimes the boss gets a little mad that we do, but...we can take care of it."  A felted star ornament was twisted a bit and squeezed onto me.  Very important medicine.  The playschool camel who lives in the nativity set came to my aid as well.  She shook him over her hand and offered me even more important medicine.  A few clicks on the barbie computer, she told me I was all set, but I would need three more appointments ...but, not for a long, long, long, time.  I would imagine quite a medical practice in her future if she could actually treat a cavity without going near the mouth.  Then, she asked me what we were having for dinner, asked me if she could keep my high heels because I never wear them anyway, and told me though she loved her pants and her shirt, she did not get them at the same time.  She can change multiple gears, really quickly 
A simple, but very real little joy that made its way into my day and pointed me onward.  It is the practice of accepting and following these moments that will save me ...save us.  Life is to be lived.  One moment at a time.
God offers us nuggets of grace along the way.  But we must ascend to them, accept them. 
There was a lot of talk about that as I sat tonight with similar parents ...accepting the small nuggets that come our way ...the glimmer that leads us toward the light.  Those moments are the new horizon.  Sure, the calendar has changed ... a new year to be lived without Phoebe.  Her graduation year ...never to be realized.  Feels  bitter as I write that fact ...a day I had so looked forward to.  But there will be other things filling the calendar ...and most of them good, worthy of life and love ....gratitude and trust.
One of my friends who lost her son over a year ago just shy of turning 17 shared a story with me tonight.  Phoebe and Eric had a lot in common.  Eric would turn 18 this Sunday, the ninth ...Phoebe's three month anniversary.  "I think of them together" I said as I parted.  "Yes, they are.  I saw them in a dream ...together."
Phoebe and Eric were in a rowboat, just heading off the rocky beach shore.  They were rowing together, totally in sync, each with one oar.  Her vision of Phoebe was clearer than her son, but her hair was down and flowing ...as it has been for everyone who has seen her in a dream,  They were very happy.  At the bow of the boat ...it was a big, old fashioned row boat, sat her father.  He was just gazing at the two, so proud of them and filled with immense love for them both.  "Did Phoebe even like the water?" she asked.  Ha!  "Phoebe loved anything outdoors.  Yes, she loved the water."
Like a hook these moments grab me from the depths of despair.  Plucked from the pull of sorrow, I can see light again.  The ebb and flow is constant, draining ...and then soothing.  A most unusual state of life.  I just keep trying to remember to trust ...lean into the moment ...and lean, most especially, into God. 

Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her.  May she rest in peace.  Amen.