I Wonder

I'm still enjoying yesterdays gift of accepting Phoebe's invitation to walk with her in the light of Christ, to join her in peace ...and allow life to move on in a rich and meaningful way.  Yes, I like this idea ...rather than trying to take her along ...I will let her take me, lead me.
It's funny how life reveals itself, exposes it purpose and plan for some part of a life.  Most things we'll never understand, but some, we get a bit of a glimpse.  I've cried so many times to God, telling Him that if I could just understand a tiny bit, I could go on, I could trust Him again.  Of course I have the exact method He should use, which He has declined.  Yet, continually He answers me in some incredible ways ...not of this world, not of human comprehension.  With a sprinkle of grace, He offers the glimpse I so need and desire.  God has blessed me over and over ...the simple fact I get out of bed each day is a miracle.  That we have laughed together, cried together, eat dinner together ...play ...is a miracle.  That we have gone on, that our kids are well, loving each other, us, their lives ...all this is nothing short of a miracle.  It's all because of the prayers offered for us by so many.  Who knew we would have such an army storming Heaven for this family of ours?  For everyone that has hung in there and begged for the aid of the angels, saints and Christ Himself to soothe and heal this family ...there simply are no words.  Not a day goes by when I don't think about that, pause and give thanks and say a prayer for everyone. 
Tonight I drove my girls to their club meeting ...gathering with a gaggle of giggly girls, many we've known since before school age.  Spilling out of cars, they embrace as if they've just made it to the end of the Oregon Trail ...so grateful to have made it to each other.  After, they hold each other tight, as if setting off on the Mayflower, knowing they may never see each other again.  There is always laughter, always joy among them. To watch that as a mother, see the love and joy that wraps these girls ....thank you, God.  The drive found me winding my way down the back roads of the south shore, two days after our last storm, with just the headlights.  I was stunned by the beauty of the trees, decorated in snow ...each branch exquisitely outlined.  Again, I think, this must be the beauty of Heaven ...man could never come close to designing, creating such a sight.  And of course, thinking of Heaven, I think of Phoebe and what she must see and know.  Just a few days ago, I shared my mother's presence ...a prompting to be comforted.  I thought of the two, my two powerful women gone before me, and was struck by a thought of something they shared, perhaps.
When my father died, quite unexpectedly, more than a decade ago, my mother stated rather matter of factly that she had five years left.  Now, for those of you who knew my mother, you know that seemed like the most ridiculous statement ever made.  My mother was indestructible. Period.  Nothing took this women down, and so, her comment was dismissed.  I didn't think of it again until seven months later when she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  Those of us who lived locally sat in the waiting room while she underwent surgery.  We had all seen her just prior and she instructed all of us to let the anesthesiologist know that she did not want him to knock her teeth out.  He came by while most of us were there and she made it quite clear to him that she would be furious if she woke to any missing teeth.  That kept us chuckling and managing our worry as we waited for the outcome. When her surgeon finished, he spoke with us about his findings.  I think its fair to say we were all stunned, but really, we knew this woman ...and I certainly didn't think there was anything that could stop her, not even an aggressive cancer.
As she woke from her drowsiness, before her eyes fluttered open, her hand came from under the sheet, one finger extended as she reached towards her mouth and tapped her teeth.  When she determined they were still there ....she opened her eyes, and smiled.
This cancer thing was just a little blip along the way.  Honestly, had she desired it, she would still be driving around, finding the best deal on butter, seeing her patients ...doing her thing.  She had rounds of chemo, good days and bad, times when it seemed to be gone.  But just ten days shy of my father's fifth anniversary, and five weeks after my sixth child was born, she died.  Everything she had wanted to complete was finished.  Her kids were settled, all of them married, all of them homeowners ...two things that were very important to her.  So within a couple of months of these things happening, she faded, slipped into a downhill slide and grew weaker and sicker as the summer days passed.  And she was gone.  I believe my mother made the decision that her work here was finished, she said she had lived a good life, that we shouldn't mourn her, but rather the young mothers diagnosed with such a terrible disease who likely would never see their children grown.  Still, I couldn't believe she had died ...she just wasn't the type to succumb.  She would be the little old lady living alone till she was 98.  Instead she died at 76.  But I really think she knew her time had come.  She had her children where she wanted them ...and that was enough.  And though her death has become a part of my life, her absence still seems unnecessary.  She had a lot more to give, more life to live. 
As I thought about her tonight, I thought of Phoebe.  She died far, far too young.  But I wonder if she felt her work was done.  It wasn't, but did she think that?  She had given me, in particular, a good run, but she had also passionately supported me in much of what I did with my life.  Phoebe was proud of me.  She would speak to me as if I were her child ...that often struck me.  A complex mix of maturity and youthful unawareness, she seemed an old soul ...as many had commented over her life.  She had wanted me to pursue nursing and find a job I liked ...I had done both.  She had wanted her sisters to ease into school from homeschooling, and Owen too.  They had, quite successfully.  Did she think then her work here was done?  If she did, she was mistaken, confused .... I could think of a few more things I'd like her to do ...finish up.  So like my mother ....and their deaths are very, very different, for sure ....did Phoebe decide her work was done?  I wonder.
The thing is, that's God's call, not ours.  We just never know the work, the tasks, the blessings ...the joys, God has in store for us ....it's not our call.  I'm not accusing my mother of making the decision to die ....she died of natural causes.  I just know that had she wanted to beat her cancer ...she would have ...that's just who she was.  But, she let God take her ...in His time.  Had she asked, He may have let her stay a bit longer.  But, we'll never know.  Phoebe ...she took the control away from God.  Never a good thing.  I do wonder though, if she thought her work was done.  She had heard me say that about my own mother ....Had she taken it deeply to heart, considered it to be choice she too could determine on her own?  She was wrong if she did. 
But we live in a world that claims we decide, have the right to decide, not only our own end, but also the beginning and end of others' lives ...we live in a culture of death ...that makes suicide an option.  And that ...is just plain wrong and not of God. 
Pray for our children, our young that they see the value, the purpose of life ...always ...in all ways.

Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her.  May she rest in peace.  Amen.