Promise

I don't really know what to expect as life goes on.  I've never done this before.  I don't know what life will look like in the spring, summer, next year. That's true for everyone ...we just never know where life will take us.  We can make all the plans we want ...but nothing is certain.  There are moments when I see the promise of life ahead.  These kids around me have full lives ahead of them ...so many reasons to look to the future and expect good things.  It is in them that I find the reason to move on.  Will there be bumps?  For sure.  Fine tuning to do? Yup!  More worry, sleepless nights over their own struggles?  I'm pretty sure.  But those are even more reasons to live as fully as I can.  Just as Phoebe had every opportunity to fully embrace and live this life she was given ...and every reason to, so do the rest of her siblings.  I owe that to them ...and even to her, to show her that life is full of promise. 
I have a full, rich life before me.  It is mine for the taking ...and I include the bumps and bruises all along the way.
Sometimes those moments of friction discourage me, find me questioning, but then something so incredible happens as the harmony of home life, of family life sets in and hums along in a rhythm only built through perseverance, fortitude ...trust.  I believe Phoebe's parting will lead us to a place where we will find a sweet rhythm ...and I believe she will take part in guiding us there.  She loved her brothers, her sisters ...she loved me, a lot ...she told me so.  More than anything, or anyone ...she loved her dad.  He was her best friend. They understood each other without words ...they had  rhythm ...a good one.  So I know that from where she is ...she'll help us find that again.  Whether it's by direct action or insistent prayer for us ...she will beg God to restore us to a better place. 
Tonight I was able to talk about her with people who never knew her.  They know, as few do, what it is like to miss a child who's died ...who will never come back.  I told them about her and how she would boss me around. "Oh no, you get back in that room" she would say, "You are NOT leaving the house wearing that."  I would think I looked pretty snazzy only to be reprimanded.  She would close my door behind her, exasperated.  "Where did you get those pants?  They do nothing for you.  Wear these, they look much better, but not with those shoes."  And on and on, and I would go along, laughing with her.  "Seriously Mom" she would say "you are a pretty woman, believe that when you get dressed."  I don't consider myself especially pretty, but it made my heart sing to hear her say that to me.
I told some more little vignettes of her day to day, the energy she brought to this house.  After, a few people came to me and said that to hear me speak of her ...they could see her, feel her ...would I tell them more.  "I wish I knew her." one said to me.  "Yes, you would have liked Phoebe very much."  And to hear them say these things to me, I saw how God reassured me that Phoebe is indeed alive and well, as if to say "Carolyn, you lived with this girl and you knew deeply the enormous, uncontainable energy for life she has ...how could you ever think, that such a soul could ever extinguish?  She is all around you, with you ...still laughing with you, loving you, holding you.  Phoebe is your girl, I would never take her away from you ...trust me."  Is it all in my head ...I don't think so,  I believe all this ...I believe she is here.
My lovely ...if you can hear and see all I have to say to you ...listen close.  I miss you ....and all you are.  I don't have nearly as much laundry to do now!!!  I miss your bun coming up the stairs ...I miss finding you on my bed when I come out of the shower ...I miss you calling me from lunch just so I could hear you talking to your friends.  I miss you telling me not to take the big van to school because everyone at your school thinks it smells like Cheezits and breast milk .  I miss you telling me at 10pm the school supplies you need to buy for the next day ...I just plain miss you.
I love you Phoebe ..."I know"  you would always say.  Do you still know?  I'm afraid I'll lose you, your ways, your mannerisms, your patterns.  They tell me I never will ...that it will always stay fresh, right there for me to visit.  I hope. 
God promised us eternal life ...follow Him and His ways and we will find it.  That's where I'll be with her again.  She may be all around me now, but I can't sense it or feel it.  I can't touch her or hold her ...but in eternity I can.  To get there, I must follow Christ ...it's not a given that Heaven will just happen.  I pray that all of us, her family can stay in His grace so we may find our way there when our own earthly end comes.  I'm on my way Phoebe ...help me stay close to Him ...to know Him ...to love Him  ...to serve Him.  That's my map to Phoebe ...and even more importantly my map to eternal life with Christ.

Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual life shine upon her.  May she rest in peace.  Amen