Last year I went to nursing school. I honestly don't know how I did it. But I did. And now I am a nurse. My family took a huge hit for me, cheered me on ...but it wasn't always easy. Three days into it, I stared at the deadline 24 hours away that would allow a full refund. A long-time friend listened as I cried, swore it was ridiculous, could never happen. If she could have reached through the phone from Colorado, she couldn't have been more insistent, grabbed me firmer. "NO!, she raised a voice that rarely raises. NOW, do it now. No time will ever be better ...it will happen." And it did. I am a nurse. For sure, it was a struggle to fit in the time needed to study, do well. Always the threat of losing your average hung over all of us as we watched a sturdy group of students fail out by decimals at the end of each semester. Saddened, knowing how hard people had worked, we had to go on ....there was yet another semester to conquer, clinicals to survive. So at home, the juggle to be mom and be student, required a delicate, balancing act.
One of my biggest supporters, which surprised me, was Phoebe. It surprised me because generally she expected my availability at the drop of a hat. School for mom changed that a bit. We often drove to and fro together ...just being with each other. I loved that time, am grateful for it. We learned a lot about each other on those rides, laughed a lot, fought sometimes, planned dinner, all sorts of things. It was a precious time with her ...had I only known.
One late afternoon in the spring she dangled on the couch while I studied at our dining table. The pharmacology list was enormous and this middle aged brain didn't have the capacity it once did. I was trying to think of ways to remember ...some of them were funny and she would laugh. "Mom" she had said "what am I going to do with my life?" "What do you think you want to do?" I had asked. Our conversation rambled on pleasantly over many ideas. " I just want my life to be extraordinary ....that's what I want." she murmured. I had begun to settle back in to memorization, looked up. "Well, can you think of anyone whose lived an extraordinary life you might like to emulate?" All I could see were her legs. "I think your life is extraordinary Mom ...I think you've lived an extraordinary life." I was stunned.
Here I sat, thinning, frizzy hair, pounds heavier with each baby, varicose veins, facial hair, bad breath, out of shape, impatient, wearing stretch pants, a messy house, wacky orthodox Catholic ...and she had called my life "extraordinary". My oldest daughter had thought to emulate ...my life. She had exposed a part of her, nearest her heart and joined it to mine. My girl. My Phoebe.
She had knelt beside me as I logged in to the computer this past July to find out the results of my boards. It said one word "pass". And I had sobbed. And she just held me. "You did it Mom." And her face held the widest smile, as she held me and rocked me. She was so proud of what I had accomplished.
I think back to that now and see those moments as the bridge to my life with her from here on. I was so proud of her too. She had given me a good run, pushed every button, multiple times, simultaneously ...but she had grown into such a fine young woman. We had found new ground. Yes, those times are the bridge that lead me to her now. She had said and done so many things that showed her deep, abiding love for me. I look at how God allows those things to take hold, take root, build a foundation in our lives. I had looked ahead to years with her by my side ...wanted that. She still is, just in a very different way.
Today, I finished my day at work. I have a dream job ...really. Just enough hours, great people ...and wonderful patients I get to know. I headed down the long hall and had the fullest sense of her skipping along next to me, smiling "Isn't this fun Mom! This is your time now!" Yes, I thought, Phoebe this is wonderful, and good. "Yeah, I told you it would be!" she giggled ...and off she went.
And so now I have this chance to know her ...in her utter perfection, in her fullness of joy. Those car rides, those conversations, that celebration and confidence she showed she had for me ....all now, make that possible. Possible, that my days with her ...even here, are not over, that I will continue to discover this daughter of mine and all she was created to be. Phoebe is indeed, now, living an extraordinary life ...a life in Christ ... a life she always dreamed of ...but could not name. What more could I want for my daughter? That is a blessing ...a gift.
Goodnight sweet girl!
Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her. May she rest in peace. Amen.
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