Senseless

How is it that one moment, one day I seem to understand, grasp a picture that paints big and wide.  Yes! I say to the plan spread before me, around me, after me. It all seems to make sense.  There is no certainty, full awareness, comprehension ...just a veil of grace that lifts the shade just enough for me to think, to feel  ....I see.
I can see how this all makes some sense when woven into the grand tapestry of my family's life.  Phoebe's death is not wasted ...not without purpose ...without some redemption ...some gift.  God is a good, generous, wise God ...a Father in the fullest, truest sense of the word ...after all ...He is the Word.  Yes! I say ...trusting, resting, at peace.
And then the veil is whisked away ...and what a I saw, understood for moments ...is now senseless, offensive, horrible ...inflicted upon us by an absent, uncaring God whom I have struggled to love in every dark corner and cluttered cavern of my life and soul.  How does that happen?  How does the fog, the questioning roll in full and dense ...seeking to destroy any peace I may have found.
I talk to my women of deep, deep, abiding faith and I hear the words ...the Truth, but I cannot hold on.  It simply does not make sense that my daughter, at seventeen, is dead ...never to return to me.  How does that ever make sense?  Again the questions ...for what am I being punished?  What did I do that offended God so deeply?   What did my child do, my child, do to warrant a departure, a horrific death such as this?  And why do my children warrant such a horror, such a 'fact' of their lives?  Tell me, please.  Help me make sense of this.  If the answer is that I am a horrible person, deserving of this ...so be it.  If Phoebe's life would have wreaked havoc, chaos, pain on others ...and this way she can bring peace, calm and joy ...so be it.  If my children will be able to manage their way through difficult challenges of life with ease and assurance, confidence in God ...so be it.   But it is the fact there will never ever be an answer ...ever ..until our own time comes.
Suicide is a horrible, horrible death.  It takes people right into the darkness.  Phoebe could not have known the depth of pain she would inflict by her senseless, ridiculously drastic act.  Our culture, frowns on suicide, as it should.  But what it shouldn't frown on is the discussion of it.  Suicide is real and is tearing apart, destroying the lives of many young people.  We need to start asking some hard questions.  It's time we looked hard at this world we are raising our children in ...where the options are claimed to be wide open, limitless, when in fact ...the lives before them are stifling, demanding, narrow.  We teach our kids they must succeed and that definition of success is quite slim.  Wear the right clothes, be part of the right activities, hang with the right people, drive the right car, have money in your pocket, be thin, beautiful, get braces, highlight your hair, buy a new outfit every week ...act as if you could live on your own and your parents don't matter ...don't take God so seriously ...He's actually rather silly.  The list goes on and on.  Our kids are under assault ...just turn on the TV for a few moments and see what they're offered.  "Desperate Housewives"?  Try "Desperate Teenagers". Take a look at the prom.  Limos, nails, hairdos ...all these things came at marriage, a mark of adulthood, a passage.  Now it's expected younger and younger ...and the kids don't come up with this on their own ...its the grown-ups, the parents ...it's us! 
Elementary kids are "social networking".  What's wrong with old fashioned friendship?  What's wrong with just being with your family  Drive down the street and look in the cars ...everyone has their own headset in their ears.  What's the point of family life at all if we can all just excuse ourselves from each other ...be off in our own little worlds?  Does peace come from it?  Of course, momentary peace, but lasting ...no.  We are raising our children to adulthood without teaching them that through boredom and frustration, creativity is born, imagination cultivated ...independent thinking, real independent thinking is nurtured.  How many children do we know who actually, really and truly go without ....are forced to make do?  I don't know many at all.  We see that as necessary for raising our children to healthy adulthood, yet we are surrounded by children who get essentially anything they want.  Oh, maybe they wait a month, maybe they don't get two ...but they get what they want.  Our children look at us as if we are mean, cruel, poor, stupid, ignorant.  We could use a little help.  We are not alone, we have a fine, robust actually, network of friends and families who see the value of larger families, the value of making do, going without ...why some of them don't even have a flat screen TV.  Imagine!  But we are spread out, not gathered enough to make a difference. 
Look around, pay attention when you hear of quick illnesses, single car accidents, alcohol poisoning.  In all likelihood they are suicides ...not accidents ...they are intended.  And it is all hushed.  Understandably. When, when will we begin to look seriously at what we inflict on our kids? Talk to the professionals ...many shake their heads, horrified at what our children are becoming, what they are being offered, the lies they are being told.
When will our priests, our church start speaking out about what is happening?  Those of us striving to live the faith, embrace all of it, which is quite contrary to the culture, are pushed to the fringe.  Lay people in positions of leadership disregard their baptismal commitments to their faith, teaching our own kids things that are not true, are not in line with Christ.  We walk so gingerly around these people and things, for fear of offending.  But what about us, this small group, who says yes to all of God's ways, doesn't pick and choose, but ascends to it all, accepts it all ...no one walks around us gingerly.  And this is where I begin to feel senseless.  I want to scream at God and say ...Oh is it because I take my family to Mass every Sunday ...and don't skip it if I feel like skiing instead?  I see God,  I'm just a tad bit ....tooooo Catholic.  Or when I speak out about abortion, the killing of our own young,  shhhh, does it make people feel a wee bit uncomfortable ...even though it is part of what a Catholic is obligated to believe?  Or is it because, in some freakish way, us large family folks are open to life, accepting the souls God sends our way without interfering in His will?  Or is it because I get a bit annoyed while people are texting during the Mass, or that the band sets up in front of the Tabernacle?  I, we, are the wack jobs ...the one's seeking reverence for God.  It's simply wrong.  Things are not right. And it distances our children from the Truth, from their families, from each other in the most essential ways. 
One of our own lay leaders in this diocese died recently.  A high profile gentlemen committed suicide.  It hasn't been hidden, but it hasn't been spoken of either.  Today, we listened to our own cardinal talk about the program this man developed to bring Catholics back ...not a mention of the man who devoted so much of his life for good ...not a mention of his life, or his death.  Odd.  Seems like it should have been mentioned ...but, we're on to other things, I guess.  Why?  Pope John Paul II spoke of  a culture of death ...abortion, euthanasia, suicide ...why can we not mention it, why are our priests silent.  This is a real issue.  Sure, it affected my family personally, but not just us.  This has affected so many more than can be counted ...don't you think this makes the future look bleak for many?  But we cannot speak of it.  Something was terribly wrong with that family ...terribly.  No, something is terribly wrong with this culture.  I for one, do not want to be part of the problem, but part of what raises us above and beyond the "R" rated world our kids live in.  I want to embrace all that God has left us, His true presence with us now ...but I cannot do it alone.  And I wonder when His grace will remove the scales from all the ever so confident church goers who buy 20% of what the Church teaches and scoff at the rest.  "God doesn't actually mean me to follow His ways. I get to choose ...he allows me to massage my own conscience to make my dissent palatable."  How can I possibly raise children in the faith when not even our own priests are courageous enough to speak the truth?  How? 
This is where the senseless rests.  Over 4000 unborn babies are killed every day ...what makes us think that this horror show doesn't confuse our children, not so far away from their own unborn days?  We should be outraged ...the Catholic Church should be a force to be reckoned with. Instead, where I live anyway, we have priests smoothing it over ...making it okay ...and if they're challenged by a lay faithful ...watch out.  They are not corrected or silenced ...they are promoted, given even more power.  They watch over the CCD programs making sure its all politically correct ...tasty for everyone. 
An athlete does not get to the Olympics by doing all things comfortable, pleasing to the senses.  They push themselves, cultivate habits that, while gruelling, develop abilities that are beyond most.  Why do we as Catholics not see that to get to Heaven ...our own path must cultivate habits that don't please the senses ..that aren't easy, happy for all.  We're talking about eternity.  We don't just all get a free pass.  But we live in an area where that's the feel good message.  Every one is great.  Every one is right ...but really,  only God is right. Right?  Phoebe saw this unfold before her and it wreaked havoc on her faith ...She watched as her friends were confirmed, never going to Mass, not believing most of what the Catholic faith teaches ...and she refused to be part of that ...refused because it meant nothing if one didn't fully embrace and strive to live what they were confirming, attesting to live.  Her courage to take a stand was and is far greater than so many of our own priests ...who wither and cowardly hide, refusing to put themselves on the line, when in fact that is there call ....their vocation.  She saw the lie ...and walked away.  She saw priests, laity seek popularity, acceptance far before standing for the Truth ...and she walked away. 
These things are not easy for me to write.  I would rather hide myself and not speak out, but I know this is all a big part of what led Phoebe to those moments of extreme darkness and despair.  I don't like the position I find myself in far too often. On the outside ...with my posse of friends near and far.  We are alone.  The silly one's who actually believe all that mumbo jumbo.
I follow you Lord in all Your ways ...and I would like You to show up, back me up, give me a little help.  Or, could you impart some wisdom on the priests and lay people who actually instruct with error.  Enough!  Please, give me a hand, give us a hand here.  Put things back in order.  So that for at least a little while, things will make sense again.

Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her.  May she rest in peace.  Amen