Eight Months

So ...we place our eighth post today.  The exact days aren't the hard ones ...except for the sixth month, its the days leading to it ...the physiologic response that takes over, tells you somethings very, very wrong.  Its not until you look at the calendar that you realize why the physical, emotional spiral is plunging you because your body remembers ...and your subconscious shouts out "SOMETHING IS TERRIBLY WRONG."  But the actual day, same for holidays, is not 'hard.'  It just is.
What I know is that we have done remarkably well.  Books, professionals, other parents who've lost a child, indicate that we are doing extremely well ...further along than most would be.  Why?  I know the answer ....and that is God.  We live an imperfect faith in this home ...but it is our central, pivotal, foundational purpose.  Is it easy?  Are you kidding?  No, it is extremely hard in a world that mocks God..  We live in a world that freely pushes Him to the side all the while planning to spend eternity with Him. When someone can explain the logic of that to me ...I'm all ears.
I'm grateful that my children are not under a blanket of burden ...they have a strong sense and understanding of where Phoebe is, her role, still, in our family.  Will we struggle ...of course, we do daily.  So why then are we doing so much better than anyone expected?  Because God is central ...even when our kids come up against that ...as they do and will in normal development ...we hold firm.  God doesn't get 'adjusted' to accommodate emotional, developmental or cultural changes and preferences.  God is eternal ...not fashionable.  As annoying as that might be to people at times, it leaves a solid, reliable, comforting source of safety and joy.  So, in our house ..we hold fast to God's teachings and trust from that the grace will come ...even when the teachings are hard, seemingly impossible because they require so much we feel beyond us.  I've experienced enough in my life with God in the center to know, all I have to do is decide to orient my heart to accept Him, and follow Him ...and He provides the grace and the opportunity to get me on my way. 
To live for God is a very purposeful decision ...not based on emotion ...despite what we may naturally think.  Of course emotions become part of our faith ...but if they are the base, it will falter, shrivel, disappoint, even lead you astray. 
Like many teenagers, Phoebe came at us from all angles challenging the faith, examining, disputing, embracing, rejecting.  We ran the whole race with  her, but what we never did (and believe me there were times when watering it down, adjusting to be more attractive would have been so so easy) was deny or minimize our faith.  We only offered her the Truth, and she knew that.  The hard part for her and for many ...including me, is to hold on to that in a world that flat out rejects and mocks the very source of their life ...God.  Some might suggest that had we 'adjusted' a few things here or there to make them a bit more attractive to a teenage girl, she might still be alive.  No.  Simply not true.  Phoebe knew the Truth and what she could not reconcile was the contrast between her home and the world that made fun of families like hers ...Think a bit about that.  If you knew Phoebe, had we 'adjusted' anything ..she would have called our bluff before a full sentence was out of our mouths. 
So, at eight months what do I see.  I see we've survived with real moments of joy sprinkled through.  I see my life is forever changed and that I am a different person than I was eight months ago.  I see a world that is relentlessly lying to our kids at a critical age and time.  I see a culture that flat out rejects and mocks God.  I see a purpose to hold fast to my faith.
Mostly, I see six beautiful faces each day that laugh and fight, sing and cry.  I see six miracles living, fully.  Even amidst the missing, the remembering ...there is joy.  I see a man who lost his companion, his adventure girl, his surfing partner, still riding the waves of Nantasket ...and I know he is remembering.  I see a man smiling through a broken heart, giving his best shot to the other kids, his life.  And I see a mom in the mirror with more lines on her face, but a purpose in her heart.  I see a mom, who prayed for patience for years on end, only to be learning and living the greatest lesson in patience she ever could ...waiting, yearning,  hoping for that day when I can place my hand in hers and see her beautiful eyes twinkling back at me.
I see  a family, who by the grace of God, is surviving ...and I am profoundly grateful for that.

Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her.  May she rest in peace. Amen.