Its funny how we can find ourselves in such deep despair, for no known reason, and then just hours later things change. How can we go from being so outraged and stunned by something and then ...see the glimmer of grace? It is one of the strangest journeys I have ever taken ...a walk of clarity and cloudiness at the same time. Events around us push buttons, bring buried thoughts to the surface, makes us ask God a few more questions.
Yesterday was a big "why?" day for me. I couldn't make sense, get out of my own way ...I just plain out missed Phoebe and there was just nothing to budge that. Pentescost Sunday ...I wanted some grace. A friend meets me for a walk, and just listens. We both stop and take in the mother duckling followed by her eight or nine chicks. It wasn't the grace I had in mind ...but it was adorable. I'm glad I have friends of faith, I can talk to them with the supernatural view I try to live in. God is present in all things, I believe that, know it. So then what was He thinking when Phoebe died? Yesterday, I can't wrap my head around it. I can't find my way. The walk helps. My friend listens, has her own questions, this woman who loved my daughter well. Why does God seemingly make things so hard? Some days it feels like He sees the suffering, the pain ...and instead of consolation pours on more painful writhing.
But that's the world view, not the supernatural one. We live in a world that seeks constant comfort, pleasure, consolation. Our world is pretty far away from the foot of the Cross. So how much of me wants to be united with Christ in the Resurrection, but not the Cross. Do I really want to consider the enormity of Christs suffering, His pain, His human loss? But more ...do I really want to contemplate my own wretchedness that put Him there? my own selfishness? My own sin (I know, a very unpopular word)? Isn't it so much easier to just go straight to the Risen Christ, so that I don't have to look at the pain He suffered for me? And if I can ignore that, aren't I justified in feeling aghast that God has allowed such a loss in my life?
But to truly live in Christ, I have to be willing to suffer ...to accept the struggle as a love letter from God, an invitation into intimacy with Him. If I am healed, than how can I be open to His grace? Isn't it likely I won't recognize my need for God in my life. That's what makes our dismissal, ignoring of sin so very dangerous. If I have wounds, if I am hurting, weak and needy, and reach out, look up to Heaven ...grab hold of the devotions and pledge my trust in God ...the grace will come. Pentecost comes ...the Holy Spirit descends and lights the lanterns that lead me to safety.
Yesterday, I had to find my way ...plow through the inner chaos of missing my girl. I begged, pleaded and cried most of the day ...and the lanterns came in the ducklings, the friend, the walk. Today, I can be grateful once again ...for the life I had with Phoebe, truly a one of a kind girl ...my girl.
A favor please: My friend, Meg, has a birthday tomorrow. Can you help me send her a bouquet of roses by saying a Hail Mary for her ...thank you!
Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her. May she rest in peace. Amen.
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