Miracle

Yesterday, feeling heavy ...weighted by the loss, I made my way to see my people.  Had I never become a nurse, I wouldn't know them.  Phoebe was a big fan of my pursuit, so I know I am doing something that she appreciated ...desired for me. 
Every one of my people delights me, but like anything, I have deeper affections for some.  All of life is orchestrated and designed by God.  There are no accidents in life ...God knows the story He has allowed to be written.  It's not that He decides the bad ...just that we take the free will He has given us and use it to cooperate with Him or run as far away as possible ...or ...to just forget about Him, for a moment or a lifetime.  Part of the story He unfolds for me includes the people I meet through my work.
A big smile always greets me when I enter this particular home.  Limited by disease, she always rises and makes her way to me.  We sit at her dining table.  "How are you?" she always asks, her speech compromised, not easy for her.  "How are the children?" she asks.  These are not courteous questions, her eyes tell me they come from deep in the heart.  Yesterday, I choke back the tears.  "Thursday marks her eighth month."  She nods ...and then shakes her head.  "What is your day?"  I ask her.  "The fourteenth."  She knows where I am.  We don't choose to focus on these 'dates'.  But, our bodies, minds and hearts know in every cell.  There is a response we have no control over.  Years have passed for this woman ...and still, she knows and describes the cycle I now know so well.  It is this woman who told me her story two days before Phoebe died.  It is this woman who welcomes me weekly into her home to care for her ...only to minister to me with very few words, but a full and generous heart that knows the sorrow of losing a daughter.  We just sit, no words need to be exchanged ...and then she says the most precious thing I could have heard yesterday, or most days for that matter.  And it is a struggle, each word an enormous effort, stealing air and energy from her ...
"When she died, I told my minister after many months, that I was praying for a miracle.  I didn't know what I would do with her gone, I just wanted it to be different.  I was praying so hard for that miracle.  And then my minister said to me 'you've already had it, you've already gotten your miracle.'  I asked him what he meant and he said 'you got your miracle the day she was born.'" 
We both nodded, knowing that indeed the miracle was in the holding of that newborn baby.  And even earlier, the knowing of a baby to be born.  Our babies ....all miracles.  Each and every baby, planned, unplanned ...every baby created by God is a miracle.  Phoebe was and is a miracle ....she was an answer to my prayer long before the words of that prayer ever left my lips.
Life is precious and precarious ...each and every life worthy, precious, miraculous ...
Like my friend, I already got my miracle.  I'll try to remember that and thank God for His incredible generosity.
I am Phoebe's mother.  Phoebe's mother.  If you had the joy of knowing her ...you have a sense of what my words can't capture.  My miracle was that I am her mother.  And for this very moment, that's enough to keep me going and smiling.

Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her.  May she rest in peace. Amen.