Throwing your heart

I thought I would write about how terrible today was ...how i barely made it through. Instead, I can tell you that given our loss, our tragic, terrible void ...the missing of Phoebe ...we had a very nice, well loved day. For the first time in nearly seven weeks I woke with a bit of happiness and anticipation. We started our day with a road race with all the expected people ...but some unexpected as well. The t-shirts were beautiful and easy to pick out in the crowd. I was able to cheer every runner on over the finish line and get their picture. The joy, the generosity, the energy that Phoebe carried was all there ...she would have loved this. Soon, I hope, I'll upload some of the pictures and let you take a look at these people who have loved us so well ...whose own radiance lights our way and leads us through. We had lots of laughter too ...two lovebirds holding hands while crossing the finish line. I told them hearts were floating out of there heads above them ...because they were! Five months pregnant, another sprinted over the finish line ...beating her husband, brothers, father ...okay, I won't rub it in anymore. My girls had there own fun running with their friends, finishing with big smiles. Could they be more beautiful? My son ran too. But the one that caught my heart most of all was my husband. An off and on runner, he gave it up last spring due to bad knees. Today's race was a 2 or 5 mile run/walk ...take your pick. I sensed this morning that while I had a sense of mission to get out the door, he seemed to hold back a bit. The plan was that he would walk the five mile. He was deep in thought ...his own place, his own private journey. Just before start time, he quickly told me he would run it as best he could. I thought to say "but your knees." I bit my tongue ...this was for Phoebe. Phoebe and Dad ...so similar in many ways ...pushing the limits of life, of ideas ...the philosophical, the physical ...in ways unexplored by most. "Throw your heart down the hill, Phoebe ...give it everything you've got." How many times did I hear him say that to her? So this morning I knew he had decided to throw his heart down the hill ...for her, his girl. So when he crossed the finish line ...there was no public record of note, no impressive time. Just a heart that sang a song for his girl, just a heart thrown down the hill, chasing his girl. Thats the finish I'll remember on this first Thanksgiving day without her.