Thanksgiving

It's getting late, the day almost done.  Tomorrow is Thanksgiving ...our first without Phoebe.  Our day promises to be surrounded with lots of love and friendship ...we are blessed.  I've always cooked in the past.  Usually, its a small gathering ...a lazy day, a long walk, lots of food, all the girls watching "Little Women."  Tomorrow will be different.  I know for sure there will be lots of laughter among my kids ...they'll get lots of hugs.  I will too ...laugh and get lots of hugs.  I miss her.  Plain and simple.  She belongs here, asking me what we're having, telling me what we should do again, maybe skip next year.  She belongs here with me, side by side, in my kitchen so I can teach her, again, the art of Thanksgiving dinner.  In my future, I saw us all at Phoebe's house.  Just seemed right.  She would take over, tell me where to go.  Funny how such a personality can just ...vanish.
I count my blessings though, of which there are many.  Seven of them still live here with me.  Many more don't.  Phoebe was mine for seventeen years, 4 months and almost 22 days.  A hundred years ago she may have easily died in childbirth at that age.  But it's not a hundred years ago, and that's not what happened.  Phoebe made a choice to leave ...without saying goodbye ...without permission.  When Phoebe died, part of me did too.  So, I guess for now, I'm thankful for what is left of me ...and I'm thankful for what God has in store for me ...He always has something.  I'm grateful that I can still say thank you.  But, I miss her.
Of course you do, you say.  No, unless you've lost a child, you have no idea.  I never did ...couldn't even let myself imagine it ...what it might possibly feel like. Today, I live it ...this thing there are no words for.  So many words that comfort and soothe ...and yet there is this chasm.  Do you remember in Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, when the misfit toys break off a piece of ice and float away. The toys on shore can no longer help them.  Off they go!  Alone!  Now, it all works out for them in the end.  I am on that ice boat now ...alone! adrift! Where will I end up?  Oh, I know I'm not really alone.  I have my husband, kids, a wonderful support network ...but inside, I'm alone.  Without Phoebe, I'm alone.  Memories are so good to replay ...they  nourish and confirm that there was love and fun ...life.
A couple of years ago, I went out for a run with Phoebe.  It was rather pathetic on my part.  I slowed her down ...and she let me know it.  The sun had nearly set.  I ended up walking and she ran ahead then back.
Finally, she told me she'd just finish the run home and would see me there.  "Okay."  I said.  Watching her head off into the near night, I saw her slow, seem hesitant, start running at an angle, then turning quickly and sprinting towards me, right into my arms.  "There's a coyote"  she screamed.  As if I could save her!  We clung to each other as we made our way home.  You would have thought we were with Shackleton on his adventures when we arrived home to tell the tale.  It makes me laugh that memory.  We laughed about that so often.  Each time since then when she'd head out for a run I'd say "want me to join you?"  Both of us would just giggle, she'd roll her eyes "Um, yeah, no thanks, I could do without the coyotes."  Somehow I was the cause of the coyote in her path.  I'm glad I had that run with her ...well, that walk.
Tomorrow morning "Phoebe's Team" will cross the finish line of a road race.  I was planning to walk it. My plan now is to stand firm and watch every one of her team cross that finish line. The team -shirts have a picture of her.  So,  I will watch her smiling, beautiful face race towards me, and my heart will be lifted ...if only for a moment.
Happy Thanksgiving!  Happy Blessings to all of you!

Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her.  May she rest in peace, Amen.