Radical Love

A few people have expressed concern about my rest and personal care ...largely because when they read a post here they usually see the time around 4 AM.  That is not real time.  I most often write my entries during my morning time that was Phoebe's time.  Between 6:40 and 7:30 I pray and write.  These are two ways that I use a vacancy I never asked for ...the one to one time each day with my daughter.  So for those concerned, I am resting and sleeping ...a real grace, I know.  My days are still busy with homeschooling Lucy and Mary Claire, caring for the house, my husband and all the other details of managing life for a family of nine.  I say nine still because Phoebe continues to be a real part of our day to day family.  We pray for her, talk to her, gaze at her pictures ...and remember her ...without ceasing.  Phoebe has a new role in our family.  She is not gone from us, she is very much alive in the life of Christ.  And as we continue to strive for Him to be the center, the very core of our family, we continue to share our lives with Phoebe.
We pray for her every morning in our offering for the day, we pray for her at meal times, at Mass, at our night prayers.  And we say "Good night Phoebe, I love you!" as we close our eyes.  It does not take away the void.  It does not ease the pain and suffering.  But ...it does unite us to her and increases our desire to live our lives today pleasing to God, so one day, through God's mercy,  we will be united with Him, but also (and I can't wait) with Phoebe.  I know she wants that too ...for us to share with her in the divine mystery of our Creator.  That is truly powerful ...and radical.
Last night a friend came along with a wonderful dinner and three young boys eager to play with our kids.  I won't disclose their name, but will tell you my youngest daughter, still struggling with certain sounds, calls them "The Groovies."  They had a wonderful time outside in the dark night of a fall evening.  That is a precious joy to hear my children's laughter.  I don't get to see this friend often, even though we live only five miles apart.  We know the busy lives of family and it keeps us all in different directions, but what I love about these particular kinds of friends (big family friendships) is that we don't NEED to spend time together to know we pray and support each other. Most especially we UNDERSTAND each other.  It is an amazing thing ...a real true blessing I wish more people enjoyed.  In fact, I have one friend that I have probably spoken to for 90 minutes, or less, in the course of our lives.  I've known her for 10 years.  I consider her a very good friend, someone I could call at the drop of a hat if needed.  By worldly standards we haven't built a friendship ...but in God's Kingdom, we have.  This is one of the mysteries lost on our culture today ...and I hope we return to it ...because it is GOOD  and RIGHT.
Anyway,  I bumped into last night's friend in the grocery store about a year ago.  We did our quick, cryptic catch-up (little big ears present!).  I was upset Phoebe hadn't been going to Mass ...couldn't get her to.  I was so sad.  "Good for her!" came the response.  "You've given her a solid foundation and she'll come back ...and her faith will be HERS, not yours.  In this world our kids can't survive if they don't have their own ...they can't rely on ours for them, forever."  I never expected that response, but it gave me an incredible, enveloping comfort.  Yes, what she said is true.  I never want any of my kids to stray away from the faith.  It is too beautiful and rich to toss aside and life without it ...well, I couldn't do it.  But Phoebe did, she strayed for a few different reasons.  She strayed because we lost a dear friend to cancer.  He never got the healing we prayed for ....hard.  A young mind can often have trouble wrestling with this.  If our friend loved God so much, why did God make him suffer?  And more, why did He make us suffer in our loss of him. She strayed because so many of her friends were being confirmed who rarely, if ever, went to Mass, who saw no moral issues with abortion, didn't believe in the True Presence of Christ in the Eucharist., and who had no idea what the Catholic faith is all about.  It's not their fault, but it falls on someone.  So Phoebe saw this as a great hypocrisy of the Church she was raised in.  Why would our Church allow people to be confirmed when in fact they had no idea what it was about?  It is a fair, necessary question.  And so Phoebe spent almost two years examining this ...grilling us.  Her family is so radically outside of the culture in many ways ....and it is a struggle.  Ask any other family trying to do the same in Boston.  There are parts of this country many of us have traveled to, who know Catholics from Boston are largely not supported in their mission to live authentically Catholic lives.  Other parts of the country have a more solid faith in place.  I am not whining about this (anymore!) because I now see it as a gift to live in this place that is so far away from Rome.  It gives us an opportunity ...it lures us to a radical love.  A love of God that demands every inch of our beings to be turned over to Him.  For sure, this is not easy.  The world tells our children something and we tell them something else.  We tell them the truth, we set our expectations, and all around them are glittery lies that can lead them astray.  It used to be that we looked out for each others kids.  This still happens among friends, at least for us.  But it used to be part of the culture at large ...now, parents are pushed aside and too often dismissed not only by the children themselves (which is a natural part of growing into adulthood) but it is even reinforced and encouraged by other adults, even parents of our childrens' friends.  Who put them in charge?????  And how dare they step on our rights and obligations as parents????  You'll hear more from me on this!
So what to do?  Last nights friend listened to my teary wonderings about what has happened.  She loved Phoebe too, had watched her grow.  She saw Phoebe grow into her skin, growing in her relationship with me, and me with her.  Phoebe and I had found our stride, we were in step for a while now.  So why me ...who (even through imperfection) gave everything I had to this child ...every ounce of patience and care I could muster ...and not some aloof parent who pays little mind?  She shook her head and said she had thought about this too, why Carolyn?  Why the Walshes?  Why this family who has tried so hard to give it all to God ...every day?  Why? The sure answer she had was "I think He's counting on you, knows He can."  For what?  What more can I give?  I strive everyday to offer with joy, my daughter, Phoebe, back to Him ...thanking God for the time I had her.  That is so hard for me, but every day I go there. Wanting so bad to choke back the words, the offering.  No God, give her back to me.  I will do better this time, I promise.  Please, please just give her back to me.  But I know the answer.  It isn't because my job wasn't good enough.  I am not being punished ...even though it feels like that.  What, oh what, is He asking of me?  I know the answer, but no understanding of what it means.  He is counting on me for a radical love ...of Him.  I am called to love Him wholly and completely in my suffering and loss.  A radical love.  Radical ...contrary to the norm, above and beyond the norm, completely different to the norm ...I'm not sure.  Radical ...until it hurts?  It already does.  Radical ...out of my comfort zone.  Aren't I already? I have no idea what He is asking of me.  But He is asking?  And I pray I will answer well.