One Month

Today is the one month anniversary of Phoebe's death.  I count the time past in every way possible.  Each rising of the sun is a day away from when I last saw her, spoke to her.  But it is also closer to when I will see her again, less time to wait.  The wait will always be too long, always up ahead.  My job is here, and likely will be for a long time to come ...in time as we know it, but so quick when compared to eternity.
In my head, I play games ...when a year passes, it will be easier.  "Isn't that true?"  I ask.  "I will have passed through holidays, birthdays, graduations ..., so it must get so much better, right?"  No one commits to anything.  "Well, it's true, a year's passing is significant, but ..."  Ugh!
I'm reading A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis.  He captures grief so aptly ....it helps, when words are fleeting.  I like words, always have.  Some people like visuals, I do too, but I find words resonate deeper and longer with me.  Lewis writes, as he grieves the loss of his wife: 

      And grief still feels like fear.  Perhaps, more strictly, like suspense.  Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen.  It gives life a permanently provisional feeling.  It doesn't seem worth starting anything.  I can't settle down.  I yawn, I fidget, I smoke too much.  Up till this I always had too little time. Now there is nothing but time.  Almost pure time, empty successiveness.

That is what I feel.  I have plenty to keep me busy, and much to make me smile.  I have six other children, my husband.  All bring joy, a reason to say thank you.  But this loss, the loss of Phoebe, suspends times.  Is it the loss of a mother, a father?  It is the loss of a great love, a robust, rich life ...I am a car with no acceleration.  Maybe because I am still waiting for her to take the seat next to me ...her seat, she held for so many years.  One last ride, please, and all will be well.
One month dear girl.  How did I live without you for one month.  I made it Phoebe!  I did something I didn't think I could ....I lived one month without you.  I've hated every moment of that, but I did it ...because of the promise that I will see you again.  And I do believe that day will be sweeter than I imagine.

Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her.  May she rest in peace,  Amen.