Crosses

There is a story perhaps you've heard.  I will not offer it to you in its thoroughness, because I can't remember even where I read or was told this wonderful lesson.  Here is my best shot.
A man, tired and weary, approaches God and says "Dear Lord, this cross is too heavy...it's weight to great for my ability.  I have carried it so long and so far, please dear Lord, spare me this.  I will take another, but please relieve me of this one."  In His mercy and love, God answers, "of course, but to be united to my Son, you must carry a cross.  You may take your pick ...choose one that fits you well, one you can shoulder with confidence and a bit of comfort, one you know you can carry."  The man is brought to an enormous field filled with crosses of every size and texture, some rough, others smooth.  He tries several on, walking a bit with this one, then with that one.  Hours pass and he grows restless and discouraged.  He tries still another.  "Ah, yes, this one fits me nicely Lord, much better than the others."  "Are you sure, you have a long way ahead.  You will need to carry this and be sure of foot."  He answers "Oh yes, Lord, this feels as though it were made just for me.  I will take this one."  The Lord answers the man.  "It was made just for you, my child.  It is the very cross you came in with."
I love this story and I think of it often ...even before now.   My Phoebe's death is my cross, as is her birth into eternal life.  To not want this cross, to ask for another is also to ask to have not been Phoebe's mother.  What I really want is no cross at all ...no burden.  Who actually WANTS one?  In our struggle to unite to Christ, it is the only way, the only bridge.  The paradox of the Cross, think about it.  To have no cross is to have no Christ.  No Christ, no redeemer, no hope.  I don't have the words yet to explain this from where I stand, what I live today.  One day, maybe ...and I will share it.  I have no doubt that as I weep Christ sees me.  My cross is one no parent wants ...no parent deserves.  I am told over and over, by professionals, priests ...this is the worst possible tragedy a person could ever experience ...there is nothing that is greater, more painful.  And yet, that pain, that intensity directly correlates to the intensity of my love for Phoebe and her love for me ...her imperfect mother.  So in that searing pain, that cuts quick and deep, there exists an intensity of love that leads to joy.  How can you have both at once?  I don't know, but it happens ...just fleeting, not long enough to hold on to ...just a peek.  I hope that peek means it is coming for longer.  I trust it does.
My story isn't over, but I am here not needing to worry about my daughter transitioning to adulthood.  No more worries of her well-being on earth.  I have an end ...in a worldly way.  Spiritually, I know my mission for her until I die ...pray for her soul as if she needs every prayer in the world, while enjoying the consolation of her glory in Heaven.  Again, the paradox, two things at once.
So many prayers are offered for us with genuine and care ...because my struggle, our sorrow is public.  Phoebe's death was public.  It is a blessing in that people have responded ...abundantly!  Keep those prayers coming.
But let's stop and think about those whose crosses are not public, yet bear a weight that doesn't end, but rather grows in heaviness each day.  I have a friend with a cross few would recognize.  I worry, a lot, about this friend.  I worry that what people see on the outside, gauges the amount of prayer people offer.  Some people, like this friend, have a surface life, radically different from their real life.  There is nothing they can do on their own.  I could go down to the town square and beat my chest and howl in agony ...and people would let me, they would even cry with me ....easing the heaviness of my cross, willing to share the weight.  But there are those who cannot do that ...because of the great cost to others they love.  They are silenced and cannot beg for prayer ...like I can.  So for now, I am begging for this friend, that you pray hard, storm Heaven with your prayer that the burden is eased, the vision clear, and the movement precise.  Especially pray for protection and safety.  With Phoebe's diligence, her willfulness and tenacity beyond compare, ask her to pray for someone she loves very much ...to know and understand God's will, and the confidence to be obedient to it. 

Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her.  May she rest in peace. Amen