The brownies, the Hubbard Squares, came out of the oven just as the door opened and I heard familiar voices making their way inside. One of them I hadn't heard in a while. It was Joe. Joe had come home and had now come here to this house. It wasn't hard like I thought it would be. A big hug for this fine young man. He smelled the Hubbard Squares, ready for Thanksgiving, for their house. Something I thought would make me sad, made me comfortable. We talked all about school, his classes, the city ... and we talked about Phoebe. He knew her, had some fun with her, shared some laughs. A bunch of familiar faces sat around and talked and laughed ...it was a scene Phoebe would have loved. And I think she did tonight. And I think she made sure it brought comfort to me.
This grief thing is hard. I don't ever expect that there will be a last day of wanting her. But there are moments of wanting her that don't hurt so much. I told a friend today that I am not accustomed to this cross yet, but one day, I will be. The burden will be lighter ...I will sense her or appreciate her, while not despairing in my own loss. Tonight was just a glimmer of that. God quenched my thirst ever so slightly ...just enough to not satiate, just enough to keep me leaning into Him ...into this pain. The harder I lean in to Him, the closer I come to know Him. I have a very long way to go, but I'm willing to make the journey.
Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her. May she rest in peace, Amen.
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