In Praise

No one can tell me how to grieve, give me a map that will lead me to a safer place.  I would love to find a place with no fear, a place that doesn't remind me of Phoebe.  Its not that I don't want to be reminded of her, but only if that reminder is sweet and soothing.  The pain of losing a child cannot be measured or painted in words.  No matter the circumstances, it is a lance, a piercing far greater than the capacity of a human to bear.  Compound that with an act that chose death, chose the separation from the world, from the family, from her mother.  The more I learn about suicide, the more I hear that someone is out of their mind when they cross that line.  Out of their mind like a madman, no, but in another place.  They've lost sight.  As a mother, it is inconceivable to me that I could not have stopped that.  Over and over I am told it was out of my control, beyond my reach.  Somehow, I find no comfort with that assurance.  A mother's instinct ...shouldn't I have known ...even a flash of awareness, but there was none.  It can happen that fast, out of view.  Still, no comfort in that either.  So where will I find it.  I've shared that I am reading C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed.  His loss is different than mine, but still his reflection speaks loud and clear to this rough sea I am swimming through.  He arrives right where I know I will, because it is where I usually go to right my course ...to make it through the day.  The only answer, the only place of refuge is in God himself.  In praising him ...everyday, all day I find my rest.  There is work to be done, children to raise, people to educate.  So there is no "rest" as we think of rest.  But there is the "rest" of my foothold, and that can only be found in God. 
I go over and over the same things, asking the same questions, tweaking observations ....like a child, learning about the world and this new way of life.  This new way is a gift.  Dare I say that ....I do.  I don't like this gift right now, but because God is all good, because He sent His only Son, Jesus Christ, to live among us and teach us ...show us the Way, I accept this gift as the medicine that is good for my soul, the soul of my family.  Just above the place where Phoebe died were many images of our faith.  I look at them many times each day and one, a wedding gift, is the scriptural quote.  God makes all things work for the good of those who love Him.   I believe that.   So all I do, all I suffer, feel ...the good, the bad, I offer back in Praise.  All things will work, all things ...even this, will work, only through Him. 
In praise, in all ways, in all things.  I will live my life in praise to Him ...and see where that takes me.

Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her.  May she rest in peace.  Amen