Passage

My head aches tonight.  Probably from plenty of tears today.  The Father/Daughter Dance is tonight at Phoebe's school.  An event she attended with her Dad the past few years.  She was supposed to go tonight.  I was supposed to do her make-up, touch her skin.  I remember the feel of it, the feel of her cheeks, her forehead and chin.  She would wear the dress we struggled to find.  Tonight she would be more beautiful than ever ...it was her time.  It would have been poignant since it would be their last time at this dance ...senior year.  Her applications would have been in for college ...a time to celebrate and enjoy the fruits of years of hard work.  But it wasn't to be ...isn't to be.  And I am sad ...because I wanted to run my fingers over her face ...with the makeup she didn't need.  I wanted to see her and her dad off.  His heart always swelled for her ...she was such a light for him.  Phoebe was special ...is special.  So today was a hard day.
Her sisters went with their dad tonight to honor Phoebe ...go in her place.  They are pretty girls, gorgeous really with their big blue eyes, much like their sister's. My kids are known for their eyes, the Walsh eyes.  All different shapes and sizes they carry a shadow of her in their profiles, expressions, movement.  She taught them all so many things ...and they learned well.  And I am proud of them, for their heroics these past six weeks.  For moving forward without their leader here in flesh.  They are sad, their hearts heavy, the constant reminder of one of them missing lingers.  But they giggle as they dress, make themselves pretty for dad, for Phoebe.  And I weep ...at all that is lost, all I had hoped.  Littlest girl sees mommy crying.  "Mom is sad" she yells through the house and then at my side she is there telling me Phoebe is in Heaven and she is happy.  Oh the faith of four year olds!  Other arms envelop me, temper the tears, rock me.  "I love you Mom, I miss her too."  Yes we do, we all do!
No one can replace her.  No one can erase what has been lost.  Our oldest daughter gone missing ...and our four year old leads us on. 
Today was a sad day ...and I know Jesus wept with me, for me, for us.  He promises a new life in Him ...so that's where I'm headed to find my groove again, to find my way ...always the way back to Him is the only way.