And so begins what I think of as a final walk, in many ways, with my beloved Phoebe. Her schoolwork would have been mostly finished this week with the exception of one class that would have taken her to early May. April would have been spent interning, already arranged at the local farm. I can imagine the conversations buzzing around our kitchen ...the disbelief that high school was finally coming to an end ...The necessary passage of our culture into adulthood would have been accomplished. There would be plenty of smiles, laughter, reflection ...gratitude. Her drive to reach the end of this phase may have given her a glimpse of the vast horizon, the endless possibilities ahead of her ...and may have been so daunting once in view ...that she simply couldn't take it in ...manage it ...believe it was hers for the taking.
So I'll walk these days for her. Tears will stain my face for what is lost. Her future here gone ...so is mine with her. I looked forward to this time ....we would celebrate ...exhale. Breathe deep and long. So these days are not as I envisioned, planned. They are different.
I will embrace the joy, thank God for the opportunity to remember ...the anticipation of her completion. Phoebe finished ...far ahead of time.
I am alone now. Walking these final days alone.
Oh Phoebe, if only you would have stayed. How I wish you had stayed. So much ahead without you.
But we will make it through, because somewhere, hidden in the rubble of grief is a treasure ...some gift. Because that is how God always is ...and I will trust that in these coming weeks, carrying me through your birthday, graduation ...the finish line ....grace will flow with abundance.
Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her. May she rest in peace. Amen.
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