Exposure

Lots of people suggested a vacation ...escape, just for a bit.  What I thought would be a flight away from the storm turned out to be head on into depths I hadn't yet gone.  A new layer.  How many are there?  How deep will I have to go?  I like control, so I want answers, time frames and limits that will promise me something solid, assurance this struggle will end. It will end, when my life here does.  How long must I wait? It will take different turns, assume new perspectives as time goes on, but it will linger. It will be my suffering for a long, long time.
Suffering, what a horrible word really, for two reasons.  First, human nature makes us want to run away, far away from anything that causes discomfort, pain. Suffering is necessary to be truly in union with God ...it has a redemptive nature, each pain weaving us more into Him, part of His tapestry really.  We know this and yet we push away as much as possible from the edges that make us keenly aware of the greatest suffering we endure.  This first reason admits our rejection, or at least desire to reject, a gift of unity God has offered to us.  Why would we ever reject something that comes from God?  Surely there is plenty of 'suffering' in the world that does not come from God, that we bring on ourselves ...and most of us are pretty good at that.  But the suffering that comes from God, is allowed by God, offered to us by Him ....we need to embrace. Yes, I hear those words and believe them ...but to live them is quite another thing ...a new way of living ...a way of living in the Creator, living His ways. But the comfort of the world tells us we shouldn't have to endure the discomfort ...surely, there must be a way out. Truthfully, union with God will be marked by suffering ...sometimes extraordinarily heavy.
The second reason why I find the word suffering to be horrible is because in truth, no human suffering can ever ...ever, come close to the suffering Christ assumed for our salvation. We should have separate words (and maybe we do, some scholars may know) for Christ's redemptive suffering for mankind and human struggles here on earth.  To say I suffer ....and that Christ suffered ...just doesn't seem right.  My suffering ...any human suffering really, pales so in comparison to how He suffered for us ...all of us.  And His suffering continues as we persist in our rejection of Him in our culture, our homes and our own hearts.  I don't want Christ to suffer more for me ...I want to ease what He has shouldered for my eternal salvation.  I really do ...and yet, I see my shadow dash from the burden, run from the pain, hiding and whining that it is far too hard.
And it is ...far, far too hard to bear as a human ...alone, trying to make my own way.  It will crush me ...as it should ...if I live apart from God.  And what keeps me apart from God?  Pride, a belief that I am stronger than I am, that weakness is not part of who I am.  There's lots of things that keep me from Him.  Free will ...that gift given to each of us requires we invite God into our lives.  He has given us that right, that ability to keep him at arms lengths, dabbling ... till we get it just right.  I struggle with that, want to present myself perfectly to God, figure it all out before I approach.  Over and over I toss this in my mind, away from the routines of daily life ...a break, and all I can think about is being perfect enough, cleaned up enough to stand before Him with a perfectly edited script pleasing to Him. I have so much work to do to get there.  My head knows this is not God's way ...but my heart struggles.  I feel rejected, after all, my beloved daughter is dead ...He must not like me much to do that, never mind love me.  This is my heart, speaking the words of a broken hearted mother.  ,My thoughts are not meant for God, yet He hears me ...answers in the way He knows I will hear.  Just like He does with me, His voice echoes when least expected.  I pull a book from my bag, Interior Freedom, Rev. Jacques Philippe, given to me by a dear friend.  I read these words ...these words, as if being answered directly ...

The person God loves with the tenderness of a Father, the person he wants to touch and transform with his love,  is not the person we'd have liked to be or ought to be.  It's the person we are.  God doesn't love "ideal persons" or "virtual beings."  He loves actual, real people. He is  not interested in saintly figures in stained glass windows, but in us sinners.
Further on ...
What often blocks the action of God's grace in our lives is less our sins or failings than it is our failure to accept our own weakness - all those rejections, conscious or not, of what we really are or of our real situation.  To "set grace free" in our lives, and paving the way for deep and spectacular changes, it sometimes would be enough to say simply "yes" - a "yes" inspired by trust in God to aspects of our lives we've been rejecting.  We refuse to admit we have this defect, that weak point, were marked by this event, fell into that sin.  And so we block the Holy Spirit's action, since he can only affect our reality to the extent we accept it ourselves.  The Holy Spirit never acts unless we freely cooperate.  We must accept ourselves just as we are, if the Holy Spirit is to change us for the better.
(pp 32 - 33)
And so, in His whisper, my vision clears, if only a bit.  Yes, I say to myself, I failed Phoebe, I failed God.  I chose the wrong way at times.  Yes, there were times I held back the love that could have flowed freely ...because of frustration, pride, ignorance ...maybe meanness ..maybe.  Yes, there were times my words must have hurt ...and yes, I could have hugged more, held longer.  These things I must recognize, not in despair, but in letting go, giving them back to God ...to the only one who can heal me and make me whole.
I yearn to be in union with my girl ...again, just as we had been.  I will only get there if I stare at who I really am ...how I really am.  This is why the great sacrament of confession is such a gift ...because it exposes us to ourselves if we are properly disposed ...it exposes our weakness, our sin so that we may be purified through Him. 
Accepting myself in weakness, in failings (we all have them), is the path to accepting this gift of loss.  Accepting my lack of trust in Him, my doubt, my anger ...will give way to greater trust, assurance ...peace, joy.  I have had moments of all these good things ...long moments, a taste of His promise.  And still, I fall back to my weakness ...still, they are my touchstone, rather than Him.  This is what must change.  Christ, the one who suffered for me, must be my touchstone, my assurance.  I want that, I beg for that.  I thought I was there, but I see now I have far to go ...but if I invite Him in, He will carry me ...lead me onward, ever closer to His heart.

Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her.  May she rest in peace. Amen.