This grief thing ...has a life all its own. No one can command the journey it will take you on. Sometimes I feel so 'normal.' Other times, I feel sunken, hollow ...and no one would know. There are some things I see in myself, changes I see, feel ...that I know are the mark of grief. Look around, listen to the tragedy of people's lives all around us. Look at Japan, the devastation ...the loss ...the suffering. I could pass someone in the street and not know the havoc ripping through them ...how they are struggling to survive ...breath. That amazes me, how little we really know of each other. Sadly for this world, suffering and struggle are part of the human condition ...then why does it feel so foreign ...why do we instinctively resist any that comes our way? Unite it to Christ, offer it back ...I know this, and He takes it ...but I am struggling to make sense. Why so much devastation?
There are times when those answers are clear to me ...not now. I know there are answers, in the tapestry of His creation it all makes sense, has a place ...but I cannot see how the threads of loss, today, weave anything beautiful. I don't feel especially sad today, just a constant tug, pressing and pulling ...part of my everyday. Impatience really is what travels through me ...for peace, for feeling settled, resolved ...a sense of who I am ...okay.
I had a nice walk with a friend the other day ...I don't usually get that kind of time with her. We've known each other a long time and it is rare, as we race around with our kids, that we have any real extended time. So that long time in the woods, by the sea was an unexpected pleasure. I've become more and more aware that so many of my friends suffer the loss of Phoebe too ...and their families, all the girls ...making their way through their own grief and missing of this girl who dazzled so many. My friend shared the loss of losing me, watching a part of me die ...gone. I hadn't thought of that ...at least as something my friends would experience, the hardship of watching someones eyes run empty, vacant. Phoebe took my sparkle with her.
And then I think of Lent ...a time to die to Him, give it all over. I want to do that. Am I so stubborn, resistant to His ways, following His will, that the only way for me to die to Him is to suffer the loss, the death of my daughter? I believe in the promise of the Resurrection. I believe in eternal salvation ...and I believe I will be with Phoebe again ... I do! I just never knew the price of it all, the ruggedness, the scraped knees ...and the emptiness ...I just never knew. I don't like this walk to Calvary one bit ...not one. In fact, I have no interest in making this trip ...but I know it is good and right. If I focus on every moment as a gift, the chance to breath fresh air, live anew ...then maybe, just maybe I can keep following. But if I look around at all the suffering, the sorrow, the hardship and pain and try to make sense ...I will fall, turn away. Give me the moments to cling to, each a step closer. Let me grab on to the Truth of Christ and know He loves me and holds me ...and will never let me go. And all will be well.
"For blest is the wood through which justice comes about." Wisdom 14:7
Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her. May she rest in peace. Amen.
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