Today would have been my mother's 84th birthday. She died when she was 76. I've mentioned before she was not the type of person you ever imagine dying ...similar to her granddaughter...they simply had too much personality. Happy Birthday Mom! We sang to her and said a Divine Mercy Chaplet. It's been 7 1/2 years since her passing. They say it takes seven years to recover from a loss ...to complete the grieving process. They also say it takes much longer ...a lifetime to get over the death of a child. I'm coming to accept that, realize I will always ache ...tears will never be far off. But I'm coming to realize other things too ...that as much as the tears are never far off ...neither is Phoebe, or my mother ...even my father.
If there was one thing I want people to get out of any of my writing it is that God is never far from you ...that He loves you beyond any imaginings, beyond any desire. He holds us all so closely and tenderly, pressing us into His heart. It is us, in our fallen nature, that loses sight of His care. Believe me, I have strayed so far ...yesterday I yelled at Him for about twenty minutes while alone in the car. I told Him all sorts of things ...and I didn't care how juvenile I sounded. "That was a really stupid idea you had! What were you thinking to take my girl from me? You couldn't have found some other way, been a bit kinder, maybe more creative ...you are the Creator after all? You want me to trust you ...well, you've proven yourself NOT trustworthy" These things and more spilled from my heart. He listened. He knows. Christ did not come to establish fairness ...He came to save, offer salvation ...and show us that the road to Heaven would be rocky and jagged, unsteady underfoot. But I like those smooth, newly paved roads. He hasn't put me on one of those. But ...He always offers me a grace I could not have asked for ...they are always beyond my own creativity. So, listen to this story.
Last night, when the lights were out, and it had fallen quiet in this busy house, I began my goodnight chat with God. I told Him Phoebe hadn't been around for a while ...she's gone missing again. I thanked Him for all the times she's been around me. I said goodnight to Phoebe and asked her to come visit me soon ...I told her that her classes would be winding down now ...just weeks now from graduation. "Remember Phoebe how we'd talk that it would be here in an instant? Wish I could go through this with you? Wish you hadn't let go ...left me alone. I just wish ...and wish ....Then I dreamed she had returned to me, just briefly ...She was sitting on a lush lawn and her face was bright. All she said was "I'm so glad I can put my feet in the grass again. I love the feeling of it between my toes." I told her we would talk to her principle and ask if she could just finish the year and she had nodded, but as I raced through the school I couldn't find her to ask. Phoebe tilted her head with an expression of "Oh well."
"You can just take the GED, you're almost eighteen anyway." And she nodded yes. She was just so content and relaxed. I was so happy to see her ...and she knew I was ...and she was glad. And then I woke up and quickly became absorbed in the tasks of the day.
This morning I was heading off to see my patients and someone pulled me outside the office. "I have to tell you something." She hadn't expected to see me. When she woke in the morning she had an overwhelming sense of Phoebe. "You know I never met her, but I saw her picture ...and it was her." She just knew Phoebe was around her, with light coming from behind her ..."in the light, Phoebe is in the light." She told me she probably sounded crazy, I shook my head "no." "I thought, isn't this interesting, but then I got in my car ...and she was there. I couldn't believe ...she was there ...and it was fun." I nodded "Yes, Phoebe was fun ...she was a blast." "She was, wasn't she, I could tell...I got such a strong feeling about that ...and a strong feeling Phoebe wanted me to tell you she is here ...she isn't far away ...and then you walk through the door. I can't believe this." I told her I had prayed for Phoebe's presence last night ...and that this was the answer. God had blessed us both. "What a girl!" Yes, she is quite a girl. As I walked away, my heart lighter, I realized it was my mother's birthday ...and that she probably had a hand in this gift. Someone who never knew my girl, and could never have known the prayers offered in the dark just the night before ...brings me a message. We are all called to holiness, and when we strive for that even in our imperfection ...God uses us to bring consolation and confirmation to each other. Phoebe is still not obvious around me. She may never be again. But that doesn't mean she is not here.
And that is so true of God ...just because He doesn't make us warm and fuzzy, does not mean He is not here. He is ...always.
Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her. May she rest in peace. Amen.
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