Reality

Lent comes late this year.  Ash Wednesday happens to fall on the five month anniversary of Phoebe's death.  It still punches me to write those words.  Phoebe was not to die ...if you knew her, you know just what I mean.  If you didn't know her ...well, you missed out on someone truly awesome ... a gem, not without faults, but a real person, not defined by anyone, living fully every moment.  But ...Phoebe did die, and that is a reality I struggle with ...because the simple truth is that I miss her, and I looked forward to our time ahead. 
Today I sat on our patio out back.  My friend and I bundled up and out with our tea we sat in the setting afternoon.  Meg is one of my anchors ...knows me as well as I let anyone know me.  Our time together is never long enough ..and circumstances of our lives have made it tough to find any real length of time together.  So we snatch moments when we can.  She's a good listener ...always has been.  Meg loved/loves Phoebe.  She was one of the few people Phoebe would allow to hug her.  She would scrunch up her nose and lean into this dear friend of mine, acting reluctant, but softening the moment Megs arms took hold of her.  It was Meg I was with when Phoebe died.  As I write now, I wonder if that was so because of anyone ...the only other woman who would know the imprint of hugging Phoebe as I do ...who held her as I did, is Meg.  I have no doubt that Phoebe's soul went into the arms of the Blessed Mother the instant she died ...no doubt.  She too knows the imprint of hugging Phoebe.
So often, over the years, I've thought how much this dear friend of mine reminds me of the Blessed Mother.  No woman will ever come close to the mother of Christ ...but as close as one can ...I imagine it is Meg.  She will be embarrassed that I write this about her ...wave it off, deny the comparison.  Phoebe had just turned five when Meg and I met through a mutual friend.  Our bond was instant ...and she has loved each of my kids far more than I ever imagined a friend could.  She simply loved Phoebe.   And Phoebe adored Meg, was always glad when she was coming, when she called. 
So as I sat on our patio in the cool air, setting sun, I could remember this girl with someone who could remember her to just as I do.  The reality of Phoebe ...a one in million girl.  Phoebe was spectacular in many ways ...smart, incredibly talented, fiercely independent and wildly adventurous ...had I been a side liner I would have been a fan, a follower.  As her mother ... she kept me running, fast.  We ran hard for many years, and most especially in her high school years.  She pushed limits, boundaries.  At home she would argue that homeschooling was stifling, limiting, while in school she argued with teachers that compulsory education was a manipulation of the individual's mind ...impractical, people should be educated in less imposing ways (homeschooling?).  On both fronts she made reasoned, well thought arguments, points that made us think, pause, consider.  Her mind worked fast, she had no time for nonsense, busy work ....life was to be lived, not bogged down by imposed constraints with no lasting value ...no real objective other than to manage groups of students.  She wrestled with these ideas, made claims ...many times with great clarity.  Wise beyond her years, but young enough to be ignorant of knowledge that comes from experience ....time, age.  She had begun to settle in, find the groove of life, accept certain things were part of life that would pass soon enough.  She had matured.  A lovely young lady ....we shared more and more moments of peace, laughter.  I was so proud of her for her conviction, her passion ...poof ...she was gone.  We had weathered the rough waters, made it through ...why would God take her then.  Why wouldn't He let us enjoy the years ahead?  That will never make any sense in this life.  But, it does for the next ...eternity.  Not a popular notion today ...but as I said yesterday, suffering is necessary to be in union with God.  I have no choice but to trust Him and His choice to allow this in my life.  The benefit of walking side by side with Phoebe as she continued to grow would have been wonderful ...all I could hope for.  As great as that would have been ..my time with her in eternity will be even greater ... and forever.   Does that make sense?  It's what our faith teaches ...that God loves us more than anyone else ever could and knows what is best for us ...each of us.  If this is what He sees as what is best for me ...then I will trust Him ...as hard as that is.  A simple reality ...God knows best.  Phoebe knows that now, for sure.  She asked that question over and over ...and it was answered.  I wish there could have been another way .... 
Meg walked through all of this with me ...right to the bitter moments of losing Phoebe and beyond.  It is bizarre almost, to see how much a part of those final moments Meg was ...how providentially designed our moments together were.  And more moments today, on our patio, remembering this girl she knew so well, and loving her so unconditionally.  But more, Meg loving God so much that she watches her friend, me, in pain, and reminds me of the days ahead, the days of reunion, promise, Phoebe ...and assures me that whatever I suffer now will shrivel on that last day.  Meg loves me enough to watch me suffer and believe that it is a gift, as hard and awful as it is ...with her eyes of faith, she knows the promise.  She knew Phoebe ..through and through ...loved her feisty spirit ...Meg knows what I'm missing ...the gravity ...the girl ....and she assures me it is all worth it. 
We all need friends with this kind of faith ...I've been blessed with quite a few.  They all take there place as God leads them ....today Meg took her place as my compass...
I hope I can be as good a friend ...pointing always towards Christ ...always towards the promise of eternity.

Eternal rest grant unto Phoebe and may perpetual light shine upon her.   May she rest in peace.  Amen.